Jiminem
by Edgy23
Summary: James goes insane and starts a rapping career with Puff Daddy while Barney the Purple Dinosaur plots the APOCALYPSE!!! Can Team Twerp, Team Rocket, and friends stop Barney and his evil plans?! WHO'S DA REAL JIM SHADY?!! 2nd Saga of "Popstarmon"!!!
1. The Phantom Gangsta

**Author's Note:** Hmm...college is about to start, and I'm ready for action!!! Here's part one of Jiminem. But first I must confess I have a little writer's block, but I can still kick ass, so beware!!!. Those who haven't read the Palletstreet Boys, it's strongly recommended you do so, or this will make even less sense than it already does!!! Warning: Star Wars-like spoofing (I love Star Wars, by the way), Eminem bashing, and stuff that might offend fat people dead ahead!!! Good night!!! 

A long time ago...in an anime world far, far away...   
(cue Star Wars theme music) 

JIMINEM   
EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM GANGSTA 

It is   
a time of   
absolute idiocy.   
The rebellious water   
pokemon trainer, Misty   
along with the help of an   
insane Jigglypuff, successfully   
brought down the huge evil known   
as the boyband and rescued her ex-boyfriend   
somewhat dense pokemon trainer, Ash Ketchum.   
Everything seemed well, and the reairing of the pokemon   
anime was about to go underway, but James, the male member   
of Team Rocket, had embarked on a rapping career, calling himself Jiminem,   
causing major disturbances in the force(aw $h!T, I'm gonna get sued for that one).   
Not only that, Team Rocket had secretly begun construction on a new Britney Spears,   
even more powerful that the first dreaded Britney Spears, and genetically altered with really   
big boobs!!! Ash, Misty, Jessie, and Jigglypuff have set up a base in East Siberia, north of Japan,   
awaiting Brock, Pikachu, and Togepi, to regroup and find James and Meowth, but little do they know   
they are being hunted not only by Team Rocket agents, but by bounty hunters hired by boyband fanclubs   
and little do they know, a certain purple dinosaur with a big ass is about to bring about the end of the world... 

  
  
  


Above the planet, a Team Rocket satellite launches several probes, each speeding towards the atmosphere. One of them lands in Siberia, pounding into the snow, opening it robotic eye and blurting robot speak.   
"MOKLEPO OKEIAL KABWER KIMOMO..KABUBU!!!" 

Jessie and Jigglypuff look out from the hangar area of the base, awaiting the arrival of Pikachu and Togepi. Brock had sent a transmission earlier that he was going to stay in New York a little more to train more in the pimpdaddy arts. A young Pimpawan like Brock couldn't refuse the tutelage of the ultimate pimp, Huggie Bear.   
"Gee, how did the twerps afford this place, Jigglypuff?!" Jessie asked.   
"Jig-jig-jigglypuff-puff (That's a dumb question. Have you ever played Pokemon? You get money out your a$$)"   
"Oh, yeah...hey look!!! Pikachu and Togepi are back!!!"   
"Pika-pika PIKA PIKA PIKA!!! (Jessie, Jigglypuff!!! WE'RE ALIVE!!! WE'RE ALIVE!!! WE'RE ALIVE!!!)"   
"Toge-togeprii!!!! (Where's Mommy!!!)"   
The four walked back down to the underground of the base, heading towards Ash and Misty's sleeping quarters.   
"Jigg-jigg-jiggly? (You two look awful! Was working on Cardcaptor Sakura that bad?!)"   
Pikachu clutched Jigglypuff by the fur and started ranting like a madman err...madpokemon, "PPIKA-PI-KAPI PIKA CHU PIKA!!! (CARDCAPTORS IS EVIL, MAN!!! EEEEEVIL!!! THEY MADE ME JUMP IN DOO-DOO!!! LI SYAORAN TRIED TO MOLEST ME!!! KIRO BEROS IS ON REHAB FOR SMOKING PEZ!!! AAAHHHH!!!!"   
"Puff-puff-jiggly-poo...(I knew those dudes were freaky...)"   
Togepi chimed in, waving his arms and ranting, "TOGE-TOGE PRI-BOOBS!!! (SAKURA HAD NO TITS!!! I KEPT SLIPPING OFF HER CHEST!!! SAKURA AVALON IS A MAN, BABY!!! I WANT MOMMY'S BOOBS!!!)   
"Jiggly-jiggly-jigglejiggle(That's tough! I remember when Misty carried me!!! She does have a comfy rack!!!)"   
Jessie, feeling left out of the conversation, whispered, "Shut up all of you!!! We're close to their bedrooms. Let's surprise them!" They crept silently towards their rooms, but Misty wasn't in her room. Giggling and odd noises were coming from Ash's room, which was right next door. 

"Gosh, Misty! Lift your legs up more!!!"   
"I can't lift them any higher, Ash!!! Try putting your arms around them!!!"   
"Hey, stop that!!! Your hair tickles!!! Stop moving it around so I can put my head in!!!"   
"Waitaminit!!! There...stick it in, fast!!!"   
"It's in!!! I've scored!!! How does that feel?!"   
"Yeah...it feels great...awwww..."   
"Am I doing okay, Misty?! It's my first time doing this!"   
"Don't worry! It's as natural as breathing! Ash, pull your head out!!! You're brushing me up against the lips!!!"   
"What color is your butt at?"   
"Pink!!! If you push me any more, you'll hit red!!!"   
"Oh, no!!! That'll be painful!!! Why not just move your head down to my waist to make it feel better!!!"   
"Okay. Wow, you look really big from here!!! It's cute!!!" 

Jessie, Jigglypuff, Pikachu, and Togepi's jaws dropped to the ground, their minds were filled with very disturbing, perverted images.   
"HOW, COULD THEY???!!! THEY AREN'T EVEN OUT OF THEIR PUBES!!! DAMN THAT TRACEY AND HIS HENTAI SKETCHBOOKS!!!"   
"PIKAPI-PIKA!!! (I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN IF I WAS GONE!!!)   
"TOGE-PRI-TOGE-PRI!!! (DAMMIT, MOM'S GONNA GET KNOCKED UP!!!)"   
"JIGGLYPUFF-PUFF!!! (LET'S HOPE WE'RE NOT TOO LATE!!! CHARGE!!!)"   
They all busted in and Jessie covered her eyes and blurted out.   
"ASH, MISTY!!! HOW COULD YOU?! You're supposed to set an example for children and young adults everywhere on the importance of childhood innocence, friendship and purity!!! HOW COULD YOU GIVE IN TO YOUR PETTY CARNAL PLEASURES, YOOOUUUUU???!!! Huh?!"   
Ash answered, "Umm...we were just playing Twister, Jessie."   
Misty pulled her head out, "Yeah, wanna join us?!"   
"Jiggly-jigglypuff-poo (Just what this fic needs, a threesome...)" 

Ash and Misty couldn't keep their positions on the Twister pad anymore and fell, but happily, "PIKACHU, YOU'RE BACK!!! Come here, little buddy!!!"   
"PIKAPI-PIKACHA!!! (ASH, I MISSED YOU, YOU BOOB!!!)"   
Misty held her arms out, "TOGEPI!!!"   
"TOGE-TOGEBRIIEE!!! (MOMMY!!! I MISSED YOUR BOOBS!!!)"   
The two trainers and their pokemon embraced in a heartfelt moment, but quickly turned back to serious business.   
"Jessie," Ash said, "We've tracked down James. He should be down in Edo, Japan, vacationing."   
Jessie started to cry, "Thanks, the both of you!!! I thought we'd never track down James, but what about Meowth!"   
Misty answered, "Oh, that's easy!!! The Meow Mix Corporate HQ was bombed by crazed, fat businessmen in gorrila suits who said they were driven mad by Baxter and his annoying jingle. Since Meowth is out of a job, he should be returning real soon."   
"This is great, you two...but...all of this seems too perfect, "Jessie pondered, " ...a good fanfic should have some kind of conflict to resolve."   
Everyone went, "Yeah..." 

"POKE BASE!!! CODE RED!!! 24 VERY, VERY, VERY LARGE FOREIGN VEHICLES APPROACHING!!! COMMANDER KETCHUM AND PRINCESS MISTY REPORT TO WAR ROOM IMMEDIATELY!!!"   
Jessie looked at Misty, "Princess Misty?!..."   
"Uhh, well I had to give the Rebels an official title, heh heh..." Misty sweatdropped.   
They all ran to the war room, and Ash flipped out a pair of very high-tech binoculars, "WAAAHH!!! Team Rocket Imperial Walkers!!! We're dead meat!!!"   
All of a sudden, a quick transmission came from one of the walkers, "Hi, my name's Mondo!!! Is Jessie there?!"   
Jessie pushed Ash out of the way, "Mondo, what are you doing!!!"   
"This is what ya get for not going out with me!!! What's that anime excuse for RuPaul, James got that I haven't got?!"   
"Mondo, it wouldn't've worked out between us!!! You act even gayer than James!!! I don't go out with guys who build strange little shrines and play with Sailor Moon dolls!!! Besides, with James, I don't have to worry about a lack of good pumps!!!"   
Mondo got pissed off and whined, "Aww man!!! That's it!!! I'm gonna blast all of you, including that loser Ash!!!"   
Ash quickly sent one back, "Loser!! Hah!!! I'll show you!!! We're gonna beat your Imperial Walkers with...umm...whatta we got?!" he asked to one of the sub-commanders.   
"Umm...dinky little spacecruisers armed with gay, underpowered lasers and little cables attached with huge suction cups..."   
A dim, broken light bulb appeared over Ash's head, "YEAH!!! WE'RE GONNA...TRIP 'EM TO DEATH!!! COME ON, GUYS!!!"   
"uHH...OkaY ComManDeR!!!" his soldiers said with their knees trembling.   
Jessie wondered ominously, "I wonder what James is doing?" 

Elsewhere, back in Edo, in a luxury highrise hotel... 

"Oh Jessie, I...I wish you were here. IT REALLY IS LONELY AT THE TOP!!!"   
Puff Daddy had just finished beating up one of his bodyguards, "JIM SHADY!!! I'VE ARRANGED THAT RAP VIDEO DUET YOU WANTED WITH MISSY "MISDEMEANOR" ELLIOT!!! SHE'S COMING AS WE SPEAK!!!"   
"But Puffy, I never asked for a duet with Missy Elliot!"   
"WELL, YOU'RE GETTING IT!!! OR DO YOU WANNA TAKE IT UP WITH MUFFIN???!!!"   
Puff Daddy pressed a button, and a piece of the wall peeled away, revealing a very tall, fat, extremely muscular black dude. He only went by the name "Muffin".   
"Umm, okay Puffy..." James trembled.   
Puff Daddy and Muffin started shakin' in fear, gave James a plate of food, and hid behind a couch," JaMEs!!! YoU HavE To PREsenT tHe CuliNarY OffErinG To ThaT CraZy Fat BitCH, MiSsy EllIoT!!! EeeeEK!!!"   
Missy Elliot crashed into the door, sounding like Jabba the Hutt, "MOCHEBO AKFU ASKACHU-BI, MAFASA!!! (WHO HAVE CULINARY OFFERING? WHOOOO!!!!!!!!)   
James quivered at the size of the fat, black chick and showed her the plate, "Umm...food?!"   
"AKFU!!! (FOOD!!!)"   
Missy Elliot quickly grabbed the plate of food from James's hands and gobbled it down in one gulp, "Mmm...that was delicious. Hi, I'm Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliot. I start sounding like Jabba the Hutt and start going into hunger trances if I don't eat anything every hour or so. You must be Jiminem, or Jim Shady! Ooohh, you're cute! I could soak you up in a biscuit and eat you up!!!   
"NO!!!"   
"PILLSBURY STYLE, BABY!!!"   
"EEEEKKK!!!!"   
"INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF FATCAKES!!"   
"OOOHHHH!!!!"   
"BURGER KING SHAOLIN FRY TECHNIQUE!!! CHOMP!!!"   
"JEESSSSSSSSSIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

**Next Episode:** Ash and Jigglypuff lead the attack in the long awaited return of the Puffmobile, souped up with all new weaponry, and ready to kick Team Rocket ass in the Battle of Broth!!! Jim Shady and Missy Elliot do a dangerous, fattening, heart attack-inducing music video!!! Giovanni breastfeeding baby Britney?! Barney summons the Four Anime Horsemen of the Apocalypse?! Find out in the next exciting, retarded episode!!!" 


	2. Attack of the Clowns

**Author's Note:** Ahh...now that I'm warmed up, it's time to be offensive!!! Avert your eyes, those of weak hearts, for this one'll really send you reeling!!! HUGE WARNING!!!: Fat people, Japanese chefs, Escaflowne and Digimon, Dr. Dre and Eminem, Puff Daddy and Jennifer Lopez, and all kinds of bashing dead ahead!!! Lots o' people and monsters in bikinis and warped AAML stuff warning!!! 

**JIMINEM-PART 2**

**EPISODE II-SHADOWS OF THE BARNEY**

James and Missy Elliot were on some strange set, readying themselves to film their music video, singing their latest song, "Fat, Black Heifer in Japan" on her latest album, Sex, Fries, and BubbleTape. James was wearing a Burger King uniform and an inner tube and Missy Elliot wore some kind of costume that looked like inflated garbage bags sprayed with cooking oil. The video started off with some hardcore black dudes smoking weed in the corner of a local McDonalds.   
"Man, 'dis ain't beef in 'dis mothaf!@#in burger!!! This is some o' dat sushi sh!@!!!"   
James ripped out his uniform, revealing a beautiful, see-through negligeé and packing a Magnum. He then pistol whipped them to death and started rapping. 

I'm the real Jim Shady!!!   
Not a punk like Slim Shady!!!   
My producer's not a guy named Dr. Dre.   
Who used to wear lipstick and pumps way back in the day. (A/N A fact, by the way...)   
Acting real hypergay!!!   
Puff Daddy's my man, he's obsessed with chairs   
All his bodyguards need a dose of Medicare   
Jennifer Lopez sucks and just can't sing   
The only reason she got a record deal was for squeaking Puff Daddy's bedsprings!!!   
(insert scene w/Jennifer Lopez hopping on a Serta PerfectSleeper in a thong with a tattoo on her big butt labeled,"Easy Access".)   
He teamed me up with hefty ass Missy, oh man!!!   
A fat, black heifer in Japan!!! 

A mob of Sushi chefs with submachine guns and knives accompanied by half-naked black women were singing the chorus:   
There ain't no such things as halfway chefs!!!   
They're scared o' death, they're scared to cook!!! They shook!!! (Repeat 2 or 3 times) 

Missy Elliot starts inflating her garbage bag suit, chows down on some Big Macs, hugs James and gives him a huge lick across the face. James yells,"JESSIE!!!" as Missy Elliot starts her half of the rap. 

Burgers, French Fries, Milkshakes!!!   
When I'm on the fast food attack   
My feet cause miniature earthquakes!!! (insert scene with geologist w/ a Richter scale measuring the quakes, while wearing a thong bikini...)   
So lay yo' ass way back.   
Over 1 billion served was McDonalds' old motto   
After I was born, it was like they won the lotto!!!   
MVP, Most Valuable Platecleana!!!   
Chomping value meals from Maine to South Caroleena   
Yes, it's me, Missy Elliot, but call me "Misdemeana"!!!   
RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAHHHHH...YEAH...YEAH!!!   
New York...Big Apple!!! Get ready for digestion!!! Brooklyn...all the foods in danger, ain't no question...   
Mothaf!@#a!!!....Queens...hardcore chefs!!! I ain't fo'get you niggas!!! Mad calories!!!...YEAH!!! 

Out of nowhere, two ninja warriors jumped from the grill and started moving their lips to dubs that didn't match their voices, "Hey you!!! You be hefty ho who ate our master's rice balls!!! You shall pay for your dishonor!"   
James screamed, "HELP ME!!!" as Missy Elliot kept hugging him while scarfing down some fries and also started moving her lips to a bad dub, "YOUR SENSEI HAS THE TASTIEST BALLS IN TOWN!!! BUT PREPARE TO DIE, NINJA, TO MY SUPERIOR FIGHTING TECHNIQUE!!! I CALL IT "KUNG-FOOD"!!! HIYAAAAA!!!!! CHOMP!!!"   
"JEEEEESSSSSSSIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!"   
The director yelled, "Cut!!! That's a wrap!!! HEY!!! This crazy bitch is trying to tear my clothes off!!! Get Jennifer Lopez back in her cage!!! AAAAHH!!!" 

Back in Viridian City Team Rocket HQ, our old friend Giovanni is reaping the fruits of his cloning experiments. The balding don is watching the hatch open as a small baby slowly appears before him.   
"Aww, isn't Britney cute, Persian? Kinda reminds me of the Olsen Twins before they hit puberty."   
"PURR...BLECCH!!!"   
One of Giovanni's henchmen walk in, "Sir, can I get you anything?"   
"Yes, send Martha Stewart over!!! I need her to help me raise Britney Spears II!!! And bring me that breast-feeding simulation vest I bought!!!"   
(A/N The rumors are true!!! Martha Stewart works for organized crime, and Giovanni has strange mammary yearnings!!!)   
Baby Britney started opening her mouth and attempted to say her first word, "P...p...p..."   
Giovanni started acting weird and a started emitting a strange fatherly glow, "Ooooh, look Persian!!! She's trying to talk!!! Coochie-coochie coo!!! Say something for Daddy Gio!!! Say papa!!!"   
"P...p...p...p...penis!!! PENIS!!!"   
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

Ash and crew ran to a hidden hanger as the Rebels launched several Snowspeeders to fight off the Team Rocket Imperial Walkers. Misty was curious as to where they were going.   
"Ash!!! Are you nuts!!! You must be crazy if you're going to fight those things out there!!!"   
"Don't worry, Misty!!! Me an' Jigglypuff have an ace up our sleeves!!! We've been working on it for weeks!!!"   
Ash flicked on the switch to the hangar, revealing a huge, pink spacecraft, shaped like a pancake but had two little ears and a curl of pink hair on top, and armed with twin fusion lasers, six gatling guns, four rocket bays, and was capable of traveling at light speed.   
"Whaddya think, Misty?! We call it...THE MILLENIUM PUFFER!!! We modified the old Puffmobile a bit."   
An impressed Misty started drooling and clutched Ash by the vest, "I WANNA HAVE YOUR CHILDREN!!!"   
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

**We interrupt Jiminem for an important news bulletin!!! Barney the Purple Dinosaur, Sailor MiniMoon, and Pesasus are rampaging throughout what remains of Tokyo!!!**

"I love you!!! You love me!!! Being supergay is the job for me!!! My dinosaur nuts are really purple too!!! Won't you say you'll kiss 'em too!!! Uh-hoho!!! Uh-hoho-hoho!!!" Barney giggled as he hugged Japanese soldiers to death with Rini while Pegasus continued blasting away buildings with his atomic farts.   
"AWW WILBUR!!! THE BULLS WERE HORNY!!! THEY NEEDED SOME GOOD HORSOSEXUAL LOVIN'!!!" 

Elsewhere, while the world's coming to an end, the legendary airhead with a good heart, Serena (Sailor Moon) was still back home crying her eyes out and throwing stuff at Darien, "How could you, Darien?! How could you do a gay porn tape with Prince Diamond and Nephlite?!"   
"IT WASN'T ME!!! THAT WAS PRINCE VAN FROM ESCAFLOWNE!!! DIDN'T YOU NOTICE THE FREAKIN' WINGS??? I WAS FRAMED!!!"   
"Didn't you used to go out with a guy, Darien?!"   
"...gulp!..." 

Speaking of Escaflowne...back in Gaea... 

Allen Schezar (A/N Sorry, Allen fans. I have a thing against long-haired wussies) was sitting in front of a TV back in his castle hugging a Barney doll, and getting ready to watch his favorite show (yep, you guessed it) Barney and the Backyard Gang.   
"What noble and powerful truths shall ye speak of today, o wise Barney? HITOMI!!! BRING ME MY CHUNKY SOUP!!!"   
Hitomi waddled in, pregnant with their 12th wuss baby, "Grrrr...those damn Tarot cards didn't predict this s!#%!!! Here's your goddamn chunky soup, you wuss!!!"   
"O Barney...speak thou words and bring enlightenment to us all!!! Thy ass is ye light of our world!!!"   
Barney came on the TV screen, "Hello boys and girls!!! Today we're gonna talk about...THE APOCALYPSE!!!" after which he started some weird incantations which involved some Lambada dancing and ass-rubbing, but since Barney's arms are incapable of reaching his ass, the little boys and girls of the Backyard Gang had to help on that one, "GAKUKU TAMBO DAFA ENTUBO SNAUSAGES MO MEOW MIX!!! SUMMON THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF DESTRUCTION!!! UH-HOHO!!!"   
Allen's eyes started glowing and he hijacked Van's Escaflowne, making his way towards Tokyo. 

Hmm...now to make things a bit more interesting...back in the Digimon World!!! 

"Man this sucks!!! Now that some other punk is the digidestined, I'm stuck working in this craphole!!!" Tai grumbled as he, Agumon and Sora were flipping burgers at a strip dive near the beach called Nudemon (pronounced NU-DAY-MON). Agumon had taken the job as a striptease dancer while Tai maintained the bar with Sora.   
Monsters from both Pokemon and Digimon, plus a few old ladies and some gay dudes were in the audience howling, "Take it off, Agumon!!! Shake that tail!!!" while Agumon danced to RuPaul's "Supermodel" wearing a black bikini with dollar bills hanging on the edges.   
A drunken T.K. was about to pass out, but not before accidentally flipping the bar's TV over to (yep, you guessed it) Barney and the Backyard Gang, right in time for Barney's ass-rubbing ritual dance.   
"Hey, that's rather sensually arousing for a kids show," Tai said as the whole bar ignored Agumon and checked out the boys and girls rubbing Barney's ass as he chanted,"GAKUKU TAMBO DAFA ENTUBO SNAUSAGES MO MEOW MIX!!! SUMMON THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF DESTRUCTION!!! UH-HOHO!!! KEEP RUBBING MY ASS, JUDY!!!"   
"Yes, Barney!!!"   
Tai's eyes started glowing and he ran out, headed towards Tokyo, with Sora and Agumon in a bikini following in curiosity. 

**And now, back to Jiminem!!!**

Mondo and his Imperial Walkers are rampaging across the snow, pounding heavily in Ash's forces. The snowspeeder crew was getting their ass kicked, and Tracey's ground troops, which called themselves the Rainbow Warriors, for some reason, weren't taking well to their jobs as Rebel soldiers.   
"DAMN PRESIDENT CLINTON AND HIS "DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL" POLICY!!!" Tracey barked.   
One of his troops called out, "Tracey-kins?! How do you work this big gun?!"   
"GRRR...YOU HAVE TO STUFF THE BIG PIPE WITH A LOAD!!!"   
"Ohh...Tracey...you're so fresh...and sexy..."   
"I AM NOT GAY!!! LOOK AT MY SKETCHBOOKS!!!" Tracey yelled as he flashed his sketchbooks to them.   
"Ewww...naked girls?! Why would you draw those?!"   
"GGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

Mondo sneered, "Hah, this just proves gays can't serve in the military! Where's Ash?!"   
Out of nowhere, a flurry of pink sub-atomic rockets tipped with Jigglypuff-shaped warheads hurtled towards Mondo's forces, blowing away half of his walkers.   
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"   
"You called, Mondo?! We're here!!!" Ash transmitted back, "Jigglypuff, do the war cry!!!"   
"JIIIGGGGLLLLLLYYYYYYyyyyyyyy........PUFF!!!"   
Mondo clutched his Sailor Jupiter doll in fear, "Come on, you guys!!! Blast that pink thingie to junk!!!"   
The Millenium Puffer dodged their blasts with ease. Before Ash ever became a pokemon trainer, he was Pallet Town Arcade's legendary champ. That's why Gary's sister May, a notorious girlgamer, had a thing for the spiky-haired pimp. Ash occasionally remembered May and went into trances and, unfortunately for Jigglypuff, he became temporarily mesmerized, "May...you had the nicest booty..."   
"JIGGLY-JIGGLYPUFF!!! (ASH!!! SNAP OUT OF IT!!! WHAT WOULD MISTY SAY?!)"   
"WAAAHH!!! Err, yes!!! Misty is my girlfriend!!! She has better boobs and a cuter butt!!!"   
"Jiggly-jigglypoo puff puff (That I didn't wanna hear...)"   
Mondo seizing the opportunity, shot a laser, almost hitting the Millenium Puffer, but missed, hitting Jigglypuff's mike out of her hand. That was something Mondo shouldn't've done, "Hah!!! How ya like me now?!"   
The old Jigglypuff hath returned, "YOUUU SON OF A MOTHERLESS MILTANK!!!!! YOU DESTROYED ME MIKE!!! YOU WEEL PAY FOR YOOR CRIMES, YOU !@#$%!%@%*$ DOLL-HUMPING PANSY!!!   
Jigglypuff pressed the big red button in front of her, and activated the ultimate weapon of the Millenium Puffer. It was a modified micro-Death Star shaped like Jigglypuff. It opened its smiling mouth and... 

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Mondo shrieked as he clutched his prized Sailor Jupiter doll.   
KKKKKKKAAAAAAAAASSSHHOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM.........BLAAAAMMMMMM!!!!!!!   
And so our triumphant heroes flew towards Tokyo, with Ash recomposing himself after his lustful May trance, and Jigglypuff laughing like a madman as bits and sub-atomic pieces of Mondo reddened the snow of Siberia.   
"MERRY CHREESTMAS, MOTHERFREAKER!!!!!!!!!! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!"   
Ash sighed, "She's baaaaaack!!!" 

**Next Episode:** Jessie buys Misty a chastity belt!!! Pikachu and Togepi buy Ash testosterone pills!!! Jigglypuff fights Barney!!! Ash and co. rendezvous in Tokyo to head to Edo, only to meet Barney and the Four Anime Horsemen of the Apocalypse!!! Jiminem and Mariah Carey do a music video!!! Will he survive her crazed horny onslaught?! And the ultimate battle as Tai challenges Ash to see who's the more powerful monster trainer and true king of the "Mon" franchises!!! 


	3. Tai-Chi

**Author's Notes:** Sorry this one came late, but school gets hectic and the women are even more hectic. Delicious and cute, yet hectic. Not much to say, except that this one is longer than usual, since there were so many stupid ideas I wanted to put in, but they couldn't all fit. And now for the warnings: feminine products, Dragonball Z, Chyna of WWF(she's cool, BTW), Professor Oak, Danny and Rudy, and lots of Barney and Clinton-bashing dead ahead, in probably the most expansive crossover humor fic in fanfiction history!!! 

**JIMINEM-PART 3**

**EPISODE III-THE CLONE WARS**

Jessie, Misty, Pikachu and Togepi finally arrived in Tokyo, shocked by the destruction and hordes of dead soldiers in Tokyo.   
There was a long silence, until Jessie asked Misty a question, with ulterior motives in mind,"Umm, Misty? Were you serious when you told Ash you wanted to have his children?!"   
"Yeah, but I don't mean now!!! We aren't even out of our pubes and still don't know about real, adult love yet!!!"   
Jessie grabbed Misty by the shoulders, "ARE YOU NUTS!!! HOW YOU COULD YOU EVEN BE CONSIDERING HAVING KIDS AT YOUR AGE!!! THAT'S IT!!! IT'S TIME YOU KNEW ABOUT THE TRUE SECRET OF THE VIRGINITY OF ANIME CHARACTERS!!!"   
Misty sweatdropped, "Wha..?! What're you talking about?! WAITAMINIT!!! YOU MEAN, YOU'VE NEVER...? NOT EVEN WITH JAMES???!!!"   
Jessie blushed, "OF COURSE NOT!!! I'M ON A CARTOON SHOW!!! I HAVE TO SET AN EXAMPLE AND NOW IT'S TIME YOU ARE TAUGHT THE SECRET THAT ALL ANIME WOMEN SHARE!!!"   
(insert any background music from feminine product commercials, excluding Depends...yucky!!!)   
Jessie blows a harmonica and then recites a jingle, 

You see, when girls like you get older   
And your vagina wants to get bolder   
Your boyfriend testicles start to click   
And his brains go down to his d!#% 

You need a...CHASTITY BELT!!!   
A CHASTITY BELT!!!   
To keep you from getting knocked up!!!   
To prevent any penis   
From entering a Venus   
A CHASTITY BELT WORKS FINE!!! 

"What're you talking about?! I don't need a chastity belt!!! Don't you trust me to be chaste until me and Ash are old and responsible enough to hump like hungry bunnies and bless the world with our dense, grumpy offspring?!" Misty responded innocently.   
Jessie shuddered at the thought of Ash and Misty's children, "NO!!! YOU'RE GETTING A CHASTITY BELT!!!"   
"NO WAY!!! Besides, how are ya gonna buy me one if all the stores here are already destroyed?!"   
"No sweat, Misty! I always carry a spare!!!"   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

Pikachu and Togepi are also coming out of the escape cruiser, and talking in pokespeak,   
"Togepi, you seemed troubled."   
"Pikachu, Mommy said she wanted to have kids with Ash, but there's one problem."   
"Let me guess. Once they have kids, you feel afraid they are going to ignore you to fulfill the needs of *shudder* their dense, grumpy offspring," Pikachu said.   
"NO!!! I DON'T THINK ASH IS PRODUCING THE BABY JUICE YET!!!"   
Pikachu gasps, "YOU'RE RIGHT!!! ASH TOLD ME ABOUT A WET DREAM HE HAD ABOUT MAY ONCE, BUT TOLD ME WHEN HE WOKE UP, THERE WASN'T ANY CREAM IN THE PUDDING!!!"   
"Whaddya mean, Pikachu?!"   
"THE HORNY FISHIES AREN'T COMING OUT OF THE WHITE LAKE OF MANHOOD!!!"   
"AAAAHHHHH!!!! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO, PIKACHU!!!"   
"Gee, I don't know..." Pikachu said, holding a claw to his chin.   
Magically, the author snaps his fingers, and BILL CLINTON RIDING A HUGE RUBBER PENIS WITH WINGS appears before the two pokemon!!! 

**SHAMELESS PLUG WARNING!!! (Country music plays in the background)**

"YEEEEEEEE-HAAAWWWWWWWW!!! IT'S ME, YOUR EX-PRESIDENT, BILL CLINTON, HERE TO SHOW YOU MY NEW INVENTION AND LATEST PRODUCT!!! I CALL IT "FARMER BUBBA'S MAXOSTRENGTH TESTOSTERONE PILLS!!! These little buggers are guaranteed to get your fledgeling little glands pumping out those manly hormones like no other hormone pills on the market!!!   
Pikachu asked Bill, "Umm, are those safe and compliant with the FDA?!"   
"Yeehaw!!! Farmer Bubba's Maxostrength Testosterone Pills are all natural and made with the safest and most potent ingredients!"   
Togepi grabbed a bottle of pills and read aloud the ingredients, "Viagra, Ginseng, African Yohimbe Bark, Mandingo Root, Cocaine Extract, Tabasco Sauce, and Yellow Pigment No. 5?!"   
Bill Clinton sweatdropped, "Err, yes!!! Safe!!! Now let's listen to the words of some our satisfied customers!!!"   
A TV appears out of thin air and shows a wrestling ring, "Hi, my name's Chyna from the WWF!!! Farmer Bubba's Pills not only give me the strength to bend steel bars with my pinkie toe, but they help me grow the pubic hairs I've always wanted!!!"   
Clinton changes the channel to a familiar-looking lab filled with lots of cute women doing aerobics, "Hi, I'm Professor Samuel Oak!!! Farmer Bubba's Pills not only put the "oak" back in Professor Oak, I've started sexually stimulating TAE-BOAK® classes with all the ladies in Pallet Town!!! Thanks Bill Clinton!!!"   
Bill Clinton hands Pikachu the bottle, "Here ya' go Pikadude!!! Here's a free sample bottle!!! Give that to your sexually sterile trainer and watch his d!$% and balls grow like the economy!!!"   
Togepi thought, "So that's what he's doing after he leaves office..."   
Pikachu cried, "Thank you, Bill Clinton!!!"   
And so Farmer Bubba, AKA Bill Clinton rode away with his flying rubber penis into the sky as an announcer's voice ended the plug, "FARMER BUBBA'S MAXOSTRENGTH TESTOSTERONE PILLS!!! Warning: Not intended for sale to minors. Do not use before testifying in front of a grand jury. Perjury and possible jail time may result." 

Ash and Jigglypuff have made their way to the outskirts of Tokyo. The two spot Misty's getaway cruiser, land next to it, and get out to meet their friends. 

**AAM-ROMANTIC, HEARTFELT REUNION WARNING!!! MUSHY MOMENT AHEAD!!!**

"Ash!!!"   
"Misty!!!"   
"Ash!!!"   
"Misty!!!"   
"Ash!!!"   
"Misty!!!"   
The two run up to hug each other and look deeply into each other eyes, "Nothing can ruin this moment, my carrot-topped, little underaged sexpot!!!"   
"Hold me tight, my raven-haired, semi-adolescent object of animal lust!!!"   
Jessie, Jigglypuff, Pikachu, and Togepi are on their knees, holding in the nausea.   
Jessie murmurs, "Author!!! Do something to stop them!!!"   
(A/N Don't blame me!!! Fanfiction.net's Pokemon section is saturated with cheesy, senseless romances!!! It's been a while since someone posted something decent and realistic to be influenced by!!! I should talk...) 

Out of nowhere, the oh-so-sexy Sailor Mars frantically runs over some rubble and runs into Ash and Misty, knocking them apart. Ash and Misty grew big heads and yell at her simultaneously,"YOU RUINED OUR SEXUALLY AROUSING HEARTFELT MOMENT YOUUU....HUH?! SAILOR MARS!!!" Sailor Mars yelled crazily,"GUYS!!! You have to get out of here!!! Barney is bringing about the end of the world!!! Sailor MiniMoon and Pegasus, Allen Schezar in an Escaflowne, and Tai with Agumon are wreaking havoc in the center of Tokyo!!! I'm the only one who survived the attack!!! LEAVE WHILE YOU CAN!!!"   
Misty gasped while Ash, as usual during hopeless, no-win situations makes the obligatory gung-ho speech, "WE CAN'T LEAVE HERE!!! EVERYONE LISTEN UP!!! WE HAVE TO STOP THEM OR THE WORLD WILL COME TO AN END!!! THERE'S NO WAY I'M LETTING THAT HAPPEN!!! ARE YA' WITH ME???!!!"   
Like magic, everyone was inspired enough by Ash to say, "WE'RE OUTTA HERE!!!"   
"WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Ash facefaults, but not before a certain purple dinosaur's shadow loomed above them all, "UH-HOHO!!! Look what we have here!!! We have new playmates here for our show!!! I recognize you! You're Ass Catcher from that show, Pokin'Men!!!"   
Misty hits Ash on the head, shocked by what she was seeing, "ASH!!! What is that thing?!"   
"Gee, is that a pokemon?!" Ash said, pulling out his pokedex.   
"Barney. The purple dinosaur pokemon. It has the power to turn young, developing brains into Eskimo slush, drive adults financially broke and homicidally insane with the hypnotic marketing power of its swollen bottom jaw and oversized ass. This dinosaur's sheer stupidity and retardedness is both magnanimous and legendary and should be approached with extreme caution. Can become invincible in the company of its co-stars."   
"Be careful, Ash!!! If the pokedex is right, your brain might be turned to slush!!!" Misty yelled.   
"You're right, Misty...hmm...JIGGLYPUFF!!! You wanna wreck shop on Barney in my place?!"   
Jigglypuff got herself ready, "AH'VE BEEN WAITEENG TO KEEK SOMEBODY'S ASSS FOR ME MIKE, AND SINCE MONDO EES DEAD, YOOR GONNA HAVE TO DO!!! PREPARE TO GET YEER ARSE WHOOPED, YOU POOR EXCUSE FOR A CHARIZARD!!!"   
Barney got pissed,"Uh-hoho!!! How dare you skip out on our fight, Ass!!! And for that, I have another surprise in store!!!" Barney snaps his fingers and Tai, Agumon, and Sora magically teleport in front of them. 

"There you are, Ash Ketchum!!! I've been looking for you!!!"   
"Who're you?! You look kinda familiar. Waitaminit! You're that kid from uhh...Dickimon!!! You're name's Genki, right?!"   
"YOU SCRUFFY PUNK!!! MY NAME'S NOT GENKI!!! I AM TAI OF THE DIGIDESTINED, STAR OF DIGIMON!!! AND I CHALLENGE YOU, ASH KETCHUM, TO PROVE WHO IS THE BETTER MONSTER TRAINER, AND THE REAL POCKET MONSTER FRANCHISE SUPERSTAR!!! WE CAME BEFORE YOU, YOU RIPOFF!!!"   
Ash yelled angrily,"WHADDYA MEAN, RIPOFF!!! WE'RE THE REAL POCKET MONSTER FRANCHISE!!! THE CLOSEST YOU EVER GOT TO POKEMON WERE CHEESY LITTLE KEYCHAINS AND A CRAP PLAYSTATION GAME!!! THE POKEMON GAME SERIES IS CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED AND HAS SOLD MILLIONS WORLDWIDE!!! WE EVEN OUTSOLD FINAL FANTASY 7 WHEN IT FIRST CAME OUT!!!"   
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Digimon came before you!!!"   
"Maybe it did, but the Digimon franchise is as worthless as Sega!!!"   
"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! YOU BASTARD!!! HOW DARE YOU COMPARE DIGIMON TO SEGA!!!"   
"Can you say, "Sonic"?!"   
"THAT'S IT!!! I CHALLENGE YOU TO A THREE ROUND MATCH, A BATTLE OF STYLE, WITS, AND STRENGTH!!!   
Before Misty could protest, Ash yelled, "YOU'RE ON!!!"   
Sora came up behind Tai, "TAI!!! Now's not the time to pick fights! I left Matt in charge of the strip bar!!!"   
Agumon chimed in, "Uh-oh. The last time Matt was in charge of the bar, we found Myotismon and the Digimon Emperor doing gay gogo-dancing on the pool table!!!"   
Tai yelled, "I DON'T CARE ABOUT MATT'S HOMOSEXUAL EXPLOITS!!! THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE TEARING ME AWAY FROM THE ULTIMATE BATTLE OF MY DREAMS!!!" 

Strangely enough, both Jigglypuff and Barney floated into the air and started glowing yellow from summoning chi, and strange Dragonball Z-like music started playing in the background. Jigglypuff's curl of pink hair grew long and got yellow and spiky all of a sudden, "I'VE ACHEEVED SUPER SAIYAPUFF LEVEL 4, BARNEY!!! IF YOU'VE EVER SAT THROO ANY OF ZE DRAGONBALL Z SAGAS, YOU KNOW OUR EEMPENDING BATTLE WEEL LAST ABOWT 37 HALF-HOUR EPISODES, GEEVE OR TAKE 10!!! THAT IS HOW ZE WRITERS OF ZE SHOW MAKE UP FOR A LACK OF A COHERENT STORYLINE!!!"   
Barney groaned, "AWW SH!@$%" 

Ash with Pikachu, and Tai with Agumon faced off. Tumbleweeds rustled across the cracked street they stood on. Meanwhile, Misty, holding Togepi, and Sora sat on the sidelines and jabbered.   
"Why do boys always have to settle their arguments by fighting?!" Sora asked.   
"Umm, this fic'd be pretty boring if Ash and Tai settled their dispute by having a slumber party, right?" Misty said.   
"Actually, that'd be pretty funny!" Sora giggled. Misty found herself giggling too, but snapped back into her senses.   
"C'MON ASH!!! BEAT 'EM UP LIKE YOU DID WITH DANNY AND RUDY!!!" 

Elsewhere, back on the Orange Islands...at a vacation house on a very small, isolated island...   
Danny and Rudy are getting drunk off Nestea and say simultaneously, "Does anyone out there care about us?!"   
"...*hic*...there was that Nisty err... Misty girl...heh-heh..." Danny burped.   
"...you...*burp* child-molestin' beachcomber!!! Fisty UnDeflowered *hic* wasn't even close to your age!!!..." Rudy hiccuped.   
"...*hic* at least I didn't get dumped for that semi-retarded victim of a blind, epileptic barber...*burp* CrAsh BandiKetchum!!!" Danny giggled.   
Somewhere in the world, a magic red button was pressed by a mysterious person whose name is not known, and Rudy and Danny looked up at the sky.   
"...hey whaa's that thing, Rooooooody!"   
"...*hic* a...mmmmissile...with a megaton nuclear payload. Hey, Mr. Nuclear Missile!!! Wan' some...*burp* Nesteeaaa???????!!!!!!!!!"   
KOOWWWW-....-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!! 

Ash, still with Tai, gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. Pikachu, still with Agumon, set his cute, yet fiery gaze towards his opponent.   
Ash grumbled,"What's the conditions for this three-round match, Tai?!"   
"We'll have to wait next episode, when the author gives a crap enough to continue. Until then, we have to strike fighting poses and procrastinate like we're on Dragonball Z or something!!!" Tai answered.   
"Right!!!" 

Jessie looked on and sighed," This is supposed to be Jiminem!!! What happened to the original purpose of this fic to find James???!!!"   
(A/N Sorry, got tied up with schoolwork!!! Don't worry!!! James won't get sexually harassed by Mariah Carey until the next episode, Jess!)   
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT???!!!"   
(A/N Oops, did that slip?!) 

**Next Episode:** James and Mariah Carey do a music video!!! The Clone Wars continue!!! Giovanni gets in touch with his feminine side!!! Brock masters the pimpdaddy arts and faces off against Allen Schezar in a duel of man vs. wuss!!! Mondo gets wished back by the dragonballs?! Britney Spears II fully develops?! Barney reveals his master plan!!! Will anyone out there claim responsibility for killing Danny and Rudy???!!! Find out next time!!!" 


	4. A Retarded Hope

**Author's Note:** BIG APOLOGIES for not updating this one so long!!! I've been quite busy and have suffered from a major lack of inspiration. But I'm back and ready to kick ass!!! First of all, I have to thank palletshippers for their less than kind words about my "anti-gay and hate-filled" beliefs. You guys don't know how to take a joke, but now because of you, I am a sworn enemy of shishi and all radical gay movements, and am inspired enough to continue!!! WARNING!!!: Palletshipper bashing, Barney-bashing, gay extremist bashing, Dragonball Z bashing, and a bit of Allen and friendly Brock bashing (I like Brock, BTW, but I HATE gymshipping, so this one's done in vengeance). 

**JIMINEM**

**EPISODE IV: A RETARDED HOPE**

Gary sat on a small hill outside Pallet Town. Prof. Oak had kicked him out of the house, since he was so particular about teaching TAE-BOAK® with his female pupils alone. He looked upon the moon, and all he could think about was...Ash.   
"Ashy-poo...you never knew how I felt about you. Huh?! What am I thinking about?! I can't possibly be...gay?!"   
Weird, oversensitive music started playing in the background as Gary pondered his sexuality and lip synched to a voice that sounded kinda like George Michael (HELLO, MY LITTLE BOYS!!!)... 

Out here in the quiet of the night.   
Beneath the stars... and the moon.   
I know I'm gettin' quite horny.   
I won't admit it, but it's true. 

You yell at me, I look away. 

_Chorus:_   
Those cheerleaders want to do me, but I don't know how to start.   
I've played WCW/NWO Revenge, it's like gay porn! It just breaks my heart.   
Oh, why should Pallet jailbait ever be so hard to screw?   
I wanna tell you that I'm light-speed gay,   
And to say that, I wuv you. 

I practice masturbation, I could say,   
Jerk by jerk, every squirt.   
I tell myself today could be the day.   
But everytime I lose my shirt...to a guy... 

I blow you a kiss, you start to throw up. 

_Repeat Chorus_

Why, why do you turn away?   
It must be, you're gay like me.   
Either that or Palletshippers pretend that I   
Have a chance of humping you.   
Can't you see? 

Gary sat up, "Just wait and see, Ashy!!! You belong to me and you will soon fondle my hairy bootycheeks!!!" 

**Oooooookay...back to Tokyo...**

"WELCOME TO WWF IN YOUR NUTS!!! HELLO EVERYONE!!! I'M J.R. AND WE'RE BRINGING TO YOU LIVE ON PAY-PER-VIEW, FROM THE POST-APOCALYPTIC RUINS OF TOKYO, TONIGHT'S MAIN EVENT, EVERYONE'S FAVORITE POKEMON TRAINER FROM PALLET TOWN, ASH KETCHUM VS. TAI FROM THE HIT SHOW DIGIMON, IN A NO-HOLDS-BARRED TRAINER-MONSTER MATCH WE CALL "THE WAR OF THE "MONS"!!!"   
"J.R., you fat sonuvabitch!!! How 'ya doin?!"   
"Whoa, and joinin' us tonight, STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!!! Give us a few comments on tonight's match!"   
Stone Cold growled,"Usually I don't go with the underdog, but tonight I'm puttin' my money on Ash!!! He may have some handicaps like his attitude and thick skull, but if ya' think about it, those are the same traits I got!!! Ash all the way!!!"   
Misty was at ringside, struggling to get rid of the chastity belt. After banging away at it with a hammer, trying to burn it off with a welding torch, and even trying to pull it off with the Millenium Puffer all she could say was, "Pikachu!!! Thundershock me in the crotch!!! Dammit!!!"   
Pikachu scratched his head as Jessie snickered, "No matter how hard you try, the chastity belt you will never pry!!! Hah!!!"   
"Agumon, you're up!!!" Tai yelled.   
"Pikachu, Squirtle, Bulbasaur, Chikorita, Heracross, Snorlax!!! I choose all of you!!!"   
Tai and Agumon sweatdropped, "HEY, THAT'S NOT FAIR!!! YOU'RE USING MORE THAN ONE MONSTER!!!"   
"This is supposed to be a battle of wits, Tai!!! In Pokemon, we can carry up to six pokemon, which is more than Digimon lets you carry!!! Hah!!!"   
Sora yelled, "I think he's got ya there, Tai!!!"   
Misty was still attempting to free herself from the chastity belt, "Togepi!!! Use your metronome!!! Dammit!!!"   
Tai growled and clutched his digivice, "GRRRRRR!!!!! If you want to play that way...AUTHOR!!! CUE UP THE ANNOYING DIGIMON THEME MUSIC!!!"   
"Di..di...di...Digimon...Digimon...Digimon...DIGIMON!!! DIGITAL HOMOS!!! DIGIMON ARE THE CHAMPIONS!!!! CHANGE INTO DIGITAL DRAG QUEENS TO RIPOFF THE POKEMON WORLD!!!! AGUMON DIGIVOLVED TOOOOOOOOO.....METALGREYMON!!! THE GENTLE ASS OF POWER!!!"   
All Ash and his pokemon could do was, "Gulp!"   
"SEND 'EM TO THE FIERY ARMPITS OF HELL, METALGREYMON!!! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!"   
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

Meanwhile, as Ash and his pokemon are getting chased by Metalgreymon across the streets Tokyo and narrowly dodging his mini-nuclear missiles, Jigglypuff and Barney are still floating in the air gathering chi, striking fighting poses, and procrastinating like if they were on Dragonball Z.   
"YOU STEEL HAVEN'T EXPLAINED YOOR MASTER PLAN, BARNEE!!! EITHER TELL USS KNOW OR I WEEL KEEK ZE PURPLE SH!%# OUT OF YOO?!" Jigglypuff growled.   
"UH-HOHO!!!.........EVER SINCE POKEMON CAME ON THE AIR, MY SHOW'S RATINGS HAVE TANKED!!! I'M PLANNING THE ULTIMATE END OF THE WORLD, UH-HOHO, BY STARTING MY OWN ANIME!!!"   
Barney summons a TV and a promo for his anime show appears...   
"GOTTA JERK 'EM OFF!!! GOTTA JERK' EM OFF!!! BARNE´MON!!!"   
Barney, Baby Bop, and a hobo with no eyes were strolling down the woods, "Uh-hoho!!! I want to be Barney best, uh-hoho, that no one ever was!!! To catch kids is my real test, to brainwash them is my cause, uh-hoho!!!"   
Barney, dressed strangely like Ash, called out a pocket monster, "GO, SEXACHU!!! UH-HOHO!!!"   
A weird monster that looked like Pikachu, except it was pink and had two-blown up condoms for ears.   
"Uh-hoho, Sexachu!!! Thunderf!#% attack!!"   
The promo ended with the nastiest orgy involving Barney, Baby Bop, Judy, BJ and *gulp* Sexachu.   
Jigglypuff clutched his head in horror, "OH MY GOD!!! THAT DEESGUSTING CRAP WILL WARP CHILDRENS' BRAINS EVEN MORE THAN ONE FULL SEASON OF CYBER SIX!!! ASH, HURRY UP!!! DEES BASTARD'S EENSANE!!!!" 

Jessie looks upon the madness and sighs, but quickly notices a familiar figure appearing in the distance. He had spiky hair and no eyes, "BROCK!!! What's he doing...WITH AN OFFICER JENNY AND NURSE JOY ON EACH ARM?!?!"   
Brock laughed like a maniac and spoke in a deep voice, "I have mastered the pimpdaddy arts, aww baby, but now I must face the final challenge of the Pimpawan...Where is the one who is called the wuss from Gaea?! Show ye self thou ultimate wussmonster, violator of Van's true wife!!! Show ye self, Allen Jizz-ar!!!"   
"IT'S SCHEZAR!!! ALLEN SCHEZAR, SPOCK!!!"   
"IT'S BROCK, YOU BANANA-EATING PANSIE!!! My master says to become a true Deadeye knight, I must defeat the Dark Lord of Sh*, I mean "Sith"!!! You have fallen to powers of the Fag Side!!!"   
Out of nowhere, the oh-so-sexy Sailor Mars jumps next to Brock and strikes a fighting pose, "The eyeless kid is right!!! Prepare to meet your match, sissy-boy!!! Huh?! What's wrong?! Hey, snap out of it, Mr. Brock!!!"   
"Pretty...", was all our young Pimpawan could drool out.   
Jessie, running back to Misty at ringside, wonders, "I wonder how James is doing?!" 

James, after narrowly surviving getting eaten by Missy Elliot, was thrown into yet another studio and held victim by yet another despised pop icon. He was forcibly dressed in a sailor outfit and tied to the mast of a pink boat called the S.S. DoMariah. Strangely enough, the boat was laced with condoms and waterbeds with at least two guys in each of them. Our hero was only briefed he would be doing a song with Mariah Carey, but little did he know, they would be doing the video to her latest song, Easy Ridin', for her latest album, Crappyhornyrainbow.   
James yelled, "PUFFY!!! Get me down from here!!!"   
"Relax!!! Mariah should be down here any minute! Oh there she is?! WHAAAAA???!!!"   
Mariah Carey may've pushed the "ho" envelope and went nuts after her divorce, wearing lesser and lesser clothes for each video she's done since, but...let's just say you don't want to be a sailor on this ship, or maybe you do...   
"Jiminem!!! It's great to finally meet you!!! I'm Mariah Carey and I'm a butterfly!!! And I want to sip the nectar off your goldenrod!!! Slurp!!!"   
"JESSIE!!!!" James yelled, with a HUGE nosebleed, for Mariah had no clothes on and was hungry for DNA.   
Out of nowhere, Missy Elliot barged in, "MEEN-CHECKE GAUBOBO ISKANKI DOWA CHOMP-CHOMP AKBA!!! (ME IN LOVE WITH JIM SHADY!!! GET AWAY FROM HIM, YOU NAKED SKANK!!!)"   
All of a sudden, both pop stars began to move their lips to bad dubs from old Chinese action movies.   
Mariah Carey sniffled, "Hah!!! Who'd fall in love with a bowl o' black pudding, YOU ELEPHANT LOVE-CHILD YOU!!!"   
"GUNCHE-BIBI YAMPO TAKA MUGOG!!!(ME HUNGRY, YOUR ANOREXIC ASS MUST DO FOR MEAL!!! PREPARE TO DIE TO MY SUPERIOR FIGHTING TECHNIQUE, KUNG-FOOD!!!"   
Mariah struck a fighting pose too, "I AM A MASTER OF THE BITCH ART, TAE KWON HO, THE FIST OF THE NORTH PORN STAR!!! HIYA!!!" 

**And now, a message from the only surviving boyband from the Palletstreet Boys, O-Town...**

"Hi, I'm Jacob,"   
"I'm Trevor,"   
"I'm Dan,"   
"I'm Erik,"   
"And I'm Ashley!!!"   
"(simultaneously) AND WE'RE O-TOWN!!!"   
Dan laughed, "Hah!!! You thought all the boybands were dead, huh?! Well, we're still alive!!! And to that weirdo who wrote The Palletstreet Boys, you can kiss our tattooed asses!!!   
Ashley said, "Uhh, yeah!!!"   
Jacob continued, "And to the Pokemon characters who killed N'SYNC, The Backstreet Boys, 98*, and the annoying kids who did the Gap commercial, you can kiss our asses after the weirdo author kisses our ass!!!"   
"Uhh, yeah!!!"   
Erik Estrada laughed maniacally, "CHiiiiiiPS!!! I was named after the guy from CHiPS!!!!!!"   
"Uhh, yeah!!!"   
Trevor finished smoking his weed, "I'm done, foo!!! Now let's smoke some crack!!!"   
"Uhh, yeah!!!" No wait!!! MISTY!!! WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME?! MY NAME'S ASHLEY, ALMOST LIKE ASH!!! UNLIKE YOUR PRESENT BOYFRIEND, I HAVE FULLY DEVELOPED SEXUAL ORGANS!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!"   
Suddenly, May Oak busts in the door to O-Town's secret hideout and rips out a mean chaingun from her purse. Sissy-like screaming is heard as May unloads her chaingun on Dan and Jacob, perforating them into an unrecognizable bloody pulp. Like lightning, she whips out a shotgun and blasts Erik's head clean off and pumps two explosive rounds into Trevor, popping him open like a ripe pimple. She then jump kicks Ashley and sticks a grenade in his mouth, "No one disses my Ash!!! "   
KABOOOOM!!!!   
Bits and pieces of Ashley fly across the wall, painting the walls a fresh hue of red. May blows the smoke away from her weapons, and weird 70's theme music starts up, "Hmm, a girl's gotta get paid..."   
(sung off-key to the theme of "Shaft") 

Who's that girl with really big tits...   
Who likes to take out contract hits?!   
MAY!!!   
Damn right... 

Who's the babe that won't cop out?!   
When Ash's rep is dissed about?!   
MAY!!!   
Right on!!! 

I'm telling you that May's one bad mothaf...   
SHUT YO' MOUTH!!!   
But I'm just talking 'bout May?!   
Can ya dig it?! 

**Back to Tokyo...**

Ash and Pikachu are still racing across the streets with MetalGreymon on their asses, "THIS ISN'T FAIR!!! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW, PIKACHU!!!"   
"PIKA!!! Pika-pichu-pi-pikachu!!! (ASH!!! Take these strength pills and go fight Tai before they called a forfeit!!!)"   
Pikachu throws Ash Farmer Bubbas hormone pills and runs off with Ash's other pokemon, while Ash jumps back in the ring to face Tai, "What are you doing back?! Aren't real monster trainers supposed to fight alongside their monsters?!"   
Ash puffed out his chest, "Hah!!! What are you talking about?! My pokemon listen to what I say, have lots more attacks, and are cute and marketable, which is more than I can say for MetalGAYmon!!!"   
"IT'S METALGREYMON, YOU BASTARD!!! PREPARE TO GET YOUR ASS KICKED, YOU HO-LESS PIMP!!!"   
"AT LEAST I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, YOU MATT-OBSESSED WEIRDO!!!"   
"I AM NOT GAY!!! (though I was attracted to Tracey once, Tai says in the back of his head) I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!!"   
Sora called out, "I didn't know you had a girlfriend, Tai?"   
Tai sweatdrops, "Errr...AT LEAST MY GIRLFRIEND ISN'T STUCK WITH A CHASTITY BELT!!!" 

Ash said, "Huh?!" and looked back at Misty ringside, banging away at her shorts with a hammer, "Misty, what happened?! What is that thing?!"   
"Ummm...*blushes*...a chastity belt. Jessie put it on me, Ash."   
Jessie does her evil laugh, "A-HAHAHAHA!!! Now the world will not have to worry about you sharing the same bed!"   
Sora gushed, "You two share the same bed?!"   
Misty blushed even more as it was being telecast across the world, "Heh-heh...only a few times...heh-heh..."   
Tai's jaw dropped to the ground and thinks, "I knew Izzy and I weren't the only ones...*whimper*..."   
Ash got pissed, "I'll make you pay for insulting my woman's honor!!! Prepare to feel the fury of my secret weapon!!!" He then unscrewed the cap to the pills and gobbled some down. A few seconds went by, but still there was no noticeable change.   
Misty called out to Ash, "Ash, forget this stupid match. If you don't get this freakin' belt offa me, we won't be able to experience the years of self-induced sexual repression which define true love, intimacy, and commitment, I think..."   
"Okay, Mist," Ash said, but just as he was about to leave, a strange tingle came into his boxers.   
"....Sextoshi...."   
"Did you hear that?!," Misty said to Ash and Jessie.   
Jessie asked curiously, "What was that?..."   
"....Sextoshi...."   
"I think I heard Sextoshi?! What's a...Sextoshi?!" Misty asked while Togepi shrugged.   
"I don't feel so good...Huh?!" Ash reeled back and, "GGRRRRAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"   
Ash started glowing and morphing and a huge explosion occured. Misty, Jessie, and Togepi held fast and, once the smoke the cleared, were in for the surprise of their life. Ash was okay but looked different. What had once been his small, undeveloped body had metamorphed into a glowing and slightly taller and muscular teen, with cuts rippling out of every corner. All the young girls and homosexuals clamored lustfully to the edge of the ring and had to be held back by electric cattle prods. Jessie held back a drooling, starry-eyed Misty as the mysterious new Ash spoke, 

**" I am Sextoshi...ancient anime deity of lust and sexual pleasure. As written in the prophesy of Montel Williams, I shall only appear once every 6,284.012 years by the summon of the perverted sex criminal/herald, Bill Clinton, and the boy who is my vessel is the sexually underdeveloped chosen one of Nintendo. Who is the destined mate of this boy that she may experience the quintessential carnal pleasures of sex, the nubile, throbbing !%#$ of Sextoshi?!"**

All Misty could say was, "TOGEPI!!! USE YOUR METRONOME ON THIS DAMN CHASTITY BELT OR I WILL GIVE YOU TO GEORGE FOREMAN TO TEST OUT ON HIS NEW GRILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   
"PRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)" 

**Next Episode: **James comes to the rescue for his fair Jessie in a romantic reunion sure to give you nightmares for weeks on end!!! Brock finds true love in...Sailor Mars?! Rini (MiniMoon) goes on a farting rampage!!!! Mondo gets wished backed by the Dragonballs?! Sextoshi vs. a trembling Tai!!! Metalgraymon does strip tease for Pikachu and pals?! 


	5. The Gangsta Strikes Lightly

**Author's Note:** Another round of apologies for not updating this one so long, that plus this one's isn't as funny as it should be, but I'm saving the best stuff for the final chapter. Spring break's finally arrived, so I can continue with this experiment in comedic terror. There's lotsa stuff I forgot to put in the last installment of Jiminem, so here it is!!! I was thinking of continuing this series to make a trilogy, but that all depends on you, the audience. Stroke my ego and review like crazy and I may, just might continue. WARNING!!! Gratuitous Barney-bashing, Mr. Ed bashing, Dragonball bashing, and pointless Outlaw Star and X-Men insertion dead ahead. MAJOR WARNING!!! Mondo will repeatedly get killed in this ep, and Ash and Misty attempt to "get it on"! 

**JIMINEM**

**EPISODE V: THE GANGSTA STRIKES LIGHTLY**

James made it out of the studio barely alive, with only his underwear on. His pants were eaten by Mariah Carey, and fortunately for him, she missed her intended target. Other men were not as fortunate. Missy Elliot gobbled down his shirt. Before the shoot, James had accidentally dripped some ketchup on his shirt. He would soon not forget the dangers of stray dressing and overweight rap artists. Puff Daddy got arrested for shooting at both Mariah and Missy. He was hoping to get acquitted soon by the court, but, seeing as he's in Japan, he'll be actually given what is called a fair trial. Chinese water torture while listening to his own rap songs and repeatedly being slammed gut first by Japan's Yokozuna (champion sumo) is the expected punishment.   
"I made it!!! Now I have to find Jessie and tell her how much I...I love her!!!" James grunted.   
A small, yet familiar talking cat approached him, "Hey Jimmy!!! What'cha doin on da' coib practically naked?!"   
"Meowth?! Is that really you?!"   
"No, I'm Garfield on Ecstasy. OF COIS' IT'S ME!!!"   
"What are you doing here?!"   
"We hafta get to Tokyo!!! Haven't you heard da news?! Our show's coming back on da air, but we hafta save Jessie!!! She and da twoips are in serious danger!!! That purple dinosaur Barney and some anime characters have leveled Tokyo and have some plan to end da woild!!"   
"BARNEY???!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! When I was a young lad at my estate, and before Barney ever made it to the big time on PBS, he worked as a high-priced striptease callboy!!!"   
"CALLBOY!!! How do I know ya ain't lyin'!!!" Meowth asked.   
"HE JUMPED OUT OF THE CAKE AT MY UNCLE'S BACHELOR PARTY!!! I'VE BEEN TRAUMATIZED EVER SINCE!!!!!! HAVE YOU EVER SEEN MIDDLE-AGED MEN DANCE THE LAMBADA WITH BARNEY IN A TRANSPARENT THONG WITH PINK SEQUINS COVERING HIS NIPPLES???!!!"   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

**Meanwhile...in a totally unrelated comic-book universe several dimensions away from the anime world...**

Generation X (the young mutant team from Marvel Comics) was called in front of Professor X.   
"My young mutants...today you have been called to witness a discovery Wolverine made while taking a crap. These seven strange orange balls with black stars on them smacked Wolverine on the ass as he was...excreting."   
Beast came in and continued, "I've researched what these balls might be, and from my research into Japanimation cartoons, these are what would be known as Dragonballs. They must've come into our world from another dimension..."   
Jubilee snickered and said, "Hey wait, I know!!! You can use those big, round balls to summon the dragon Shenron and make wishes!!! Come on, guys, what we should we wish for!!!"   
After much deliberation and repeated requests from Professor X for a "hair" wish, they decided to bring back to life one of their old teammates, Mondo (the fat guy with the mutant ability to morph into inorganic forms)   
Shenron appeared, "Make your wish now!!!"   
Synch yelled out, "Bring Mondo back to life, foo'!!!" 

**Back in the anime world...**   
"What?! I'm back?! How?!" Mondo said while scrambling around in the snow, " But, where's my Sailor Jupiter doll?!"   
Back at Gekko base, Tracey was called by one of his effeminate generals, "Tracey-kins!!! I've spotted Mondo out in the snow!!! What should I do?!"   
"Mondo?! I thought Ash and Jigglypuff killed him!!! Umm, blow him away. Oops!!! Can't say the word "blow" in front of these guys. Umm...kill him."   
"Let's BLOW guys!!!"   
BOOOOM!!!!!! BOOOOOM!!!   
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" Mondo yelled as he was blown to bloody bits. 

**Back in the unrelated comic book X-Men dimension...**   
"Where the hell's Mondo, you f!@in' dragon!!!" Jubilee yelled while Synch attempted to cop a feel of her ass.   
Shenron scratched his head and spoke, "Umm...there seems to be an inconsistency. You bastards forgot that I come from the anime world. I summoned Mondo, the Team Rocket member. I'm not familiar with the Mondo that you speak of..."   
"What's Team Rocket, foo'?" Synch asked just before getting punched by Jubilee.   
"Team Rocket are the bad guys from Pokemon, bub" Wolverine said, " they're always bothering Ash, Misty, and whoever the third wheel is at the given moment."   
Jubilee exclaimed, "Wolvie, you're into Pokemon?!"   
"...*gulp*...Pikachu is hip!!!...err...let's keep trying to wish Mondo back!!! SHENRON!!! Bring Mondo back!!!" 

**Back in the anime world...**   
Mondo rematerialized and said, "Man, that laser got up my butt. SAILOR JUPITER!!! Where are you, Lita-poo?!"   
Back at Gekko base, Tracey was called yet again by Commander Queerfellow, "Tracey-kins...Mondo's still not dead, and he's still walking around the snow calling out Sailor Jupiter's name for some reason."   
Tracey groaned, "He's still alive?! Jam the mega-harpoon up his ass and stop bothering me?! I'm trying to draw a new hentai series featuring Giselle and me, err I mean...uhh...damn!!!*drools and blushes*."   
The gay commander yelled,"Fire the harpoon up his ass!!! Why am I so aroused?!"   
FWIP-SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!! Squirt!!! (Bits and pieces of Mondo everywhere...) 

**Back in the unrelated comic-book X-Men dimension...**   
Sounding like Capt. Picard from Star Trek, Prof. X yells, "Shenron, you f!$%in' bastard!!! Mondo's still not here!!! Wolverine, the next time you take a crap, try to teleport the writers of our comic so we can correct these stupid plot holes!!!"   
"Umm, all the writers got fired,bub. Generation X got canceled."   
"Sh*t"   
Shenron sweatdropped, "Umm, Professor Xavier. I only have one wish left. Have you considered a wish for hair? I do a mean afro..."   
"GGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

**In Tokyo...**

"Ashy...oh, Ashy..." Misty blushes as she looks at Sextoshi-Ash flexing his muscles while Tai whimpers in the corner.   
The referee calls the round and the bell rings. PING!!!   
Sextoshi quickly jumped in and uppercutted Tai. Tai flew high into the sky, hurtled through the stratosphere, and into the recesses of space.   
"IT'S A WORLD RECORD!!! FASTEST BOUT IN SPORTS HISTORY!!! 3 SECONDS!!!" J.R. yelled while Stone Cold clutched his bald head in shock, "Dammit, J.R. where the hell do you think Tai went?!" 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" Tai yelled as he disproved the laws of physics by making an audible girl-like scream into the darkness of space until...BANG!!! Tai hit a red, penis-shaped spaceship, which quickly threw him inside upon impact.   
Tai fell into the cockpit (no pun intended) only to run into Jim Hawking, Suzuka, and Aisha KlanKlan, all wearing ear and nose plugs.   
"Wuhh....what happened? How did I get here?!" Tai said, the effects of Barney's brainwashing wearing off after getting punched by Sextoshi.   
"oooh....uuuhhhh.....aaaahhh....yeah, right there...oh Gene..." Repeated moaning, giggling, and peculiar smells were coming from the distance.   
"Hey, you guys are from Outlaw Star, right?! What's happening?!"   
Jim yelled like a maniac, "IT'S GENE!!! HE'S BEEN HUMPING THE CIRCUITS OUT OF MELFINA EVER SINCE WE LEFT SENTINEL!!! I DON'T THINK SHE'LL BE ABLE TO PILOT THE SHIP ANYMORE!!!"   
Gilliam, the ship's computer added, "The smell coming from their sexual intercourse is catching on some of the ship's external hardware. I told Gene not to install leather seats..."   
Suzuka frowned, "I can't believe that pervert chose this point in time to be committed!!! I wanted to hump the casters out of him!!! Oh well..."   
Aisha groaned, "You too?! I was hoping this'd be my first time with a human...dammit!!!"   
"Umm, how long ago did they start?!" Tai asked innocently.   
"16 HOURS AGO!!! Wan' some ear and nose plugs?!"   
"WWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

Misty threw Togepi to Jessie and hugged Sextoshi, "Ashy, now that you've won the match, what are you going to do now?"   
"I'M GOIN TO "MISTYLAND"!!!" Sextoshi-Ash yelled with the enthusiasm of a Super Bowl champ as he carried Misty away from the ring and headed towards the Millenium Puffer, furnished with very expansive bedrooms, by the way....   
Jessie growled, "OH NO YOU DON'T!!! TOGEPI, WE HAVE TO STOP THEM OR PARENTS ACROSS AMERICA ARE GONNA SUE NINTENDO, 4KIDS, GAMEFREAK, AND THAT JERKWEASEL WHO OVER-MARKETED POKEMON TO FICKLE 5-YEAR OLDS!!!"   
Togepi poke-spoke, "Umm, don't we want that guy sued anyway?"   
"TOGEPI!!! Umm, you do have a point, but if that happens, our show'll be canceled and you and Pikachu will probably go back to working on Cardcaptors with flat-chested Sakura," Jessie said casually.   
"PRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!! (NNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!)" 

As Jessie and Togepi chased a horny Sextoshi-Ash and Misty into the Millenium Puffer, Pikachu and pals were still getting chased by Metalgreymon.   
Pikachu pokeyelled,"Dammit, author!!! How the hell do you expect us to beat this thing!!!"   
(A/N ...Use this plot hole, Chu...let your feelings go...Agumon loves striptease...)   
Pikachu all of a sudden got in touch with the plot hole and took notice of a small striptease stage planted by the author's magic plot hole device. All the pokemon rallied around the stage and whipped out some cash and pokehowled, "Take it off!!! Woo-hoo!!!"   
Metalgreymon all of a sudden blushed and started dancing and swinging on the pole on the stage, shaking its metal hips left and right and fondling its butt go-go style.   
Chikorita pokeyelled, "SCREW ASH!!! I WAN' SOME O' THAT HOT, SWEATY DIGIMON ASS!!!"   
Bulbasaur pokesaid, "I'm actually getting turned on by this...how 'bout you Squirtle?"   
"Well, that worked," Heracross pokespoke, "Snorlax, you have another dollar?!"   
Pikachu sweatdropped, "Well, now that that's taken care of, I wonder how Jigglypuff is doing?" 

Jigglypuff and Barney, after several hours of Dragonball Z-like procrastination, pointless narration, and even more pointless cutscenes of the battlefield, are finally ready to fight.   
"KAO-PUFF ATTACK!!!" Jigglypuff yelled as it rammed full speed into Barney's gut. Barney reeled back, but quickly regained his senses and started shooting lots of energy beams. Jigglypuff dodged them all and quickly flew towards Barney and started punching and kicking. Barney kept dodging the attacks, but got elbowed on the head. Recovering quickly, Barney whipped out one of his arms, "BARNET GUN!!!"   
Jigglypuff caught the Barnet Gun and held it for a while, then deflected it into space, where it whizzed past the Outlaw Star ship and collided with Planet Namek, but fortunately, only half of it got blown away this time.   
A Namek scratched his head and groaned, "Oh, sh!t...Guru lived on that half of the planet..."   
Jigglypuff and Barney both went into turbo mode, and no one was able to see them fighting. Exhausted, Barney and Jigglypuff stopped and hesitated for a moment.   
"BARNEE!!! YOU HAF TASTED ONLY A BEET OF MY POWER!!! PREPARE AS I DO MORE DRAGONBALL ZEE-LIKE PROCRASTINATION BY CHARGING UP MY CHI TO IMPOSSIBLE LEVELS FORR AN EXTENDED PEERIOD OF TIME UNTEEL ZE NEXT EPISODE, LEEVING MYSELF COMPLETELY OPPEN TO ATTACK, OFF WHICH YOO WEEL NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF!!!"   
"UH-HOHO...UHH...OKAY!!!" 

While they did that, Sailor Mars was trying to slap Brock the Pimpawan back into his senses, "Mr. Brock!!! Get up!!! Allen is here with Sailor Minimoon and Pegasus and they're ready to kick my cute, little booty!!!"   
Brock drooled, "Cute...little booty...heh-heh."   
Sailor Moon blushed and thought, "He's kinda cute when he makes those innocent yet perverted statements," but quickly yelled, "GET UP, YOU HORNY JERK!!! WE HAVE A LONG-HAIRED GIRLY-MAN, AN ANNOYING LITTLE GIRL WITH A BAD WEAVE, AND A FARTIN' HORSE'S ARSES TO KICK!!!"   
"Uhh, right!!!" Brock jumped up, pulled out his pimp cane(the weapon of the Pimpawan), and yelled, "I am Brock and in the name of horny Pimpawans everywhere, I will punish you!!!"   
Sailor Minimoon growled, "You ripped off my mom!!! Kick his Pimpawan balls in, Allen!!!"   
"In the name of long-haired wusses everywhere, I will pun...err, I mean...CHARGE!!!" Allen yelled. 

Meanwhile, Sextoshi-Ash and Misty found a pretty nice bedroom in the Millenium Puffer, designed with a 1-foot thick steel door only capable of being opened by handprint ID. Jessie and Togepi were banging away at the door while Sextoshi-Ash and Misty pondered how to get rid of the chastity belt.   
Misty yelled,"Ash!!! Don't just stand there!!! Get this friggin' chastity belt offa me so we can get it on!!!"   
"Umm...yeah but how?!"   
"Don't ask me, Mr. "Deity of Lust and Sexual Pleasure"!!! You're a demigod, so you must have some kind of supernatural abilities!!!"   
Sextoshi-Ash thought for a bit, "...Oh yeah...I can "charm" the chastity belt off!!! C'mon Misty, we have to do something usually associated with pre-sex romance..."   
"You mean...?!"   
"Yeah, let's drink some wine cooler and do some sensuous dancing and nauseous sweet talk!!!"   
"Okay!!!" 

Jessie sweatdropped as she heard some weird music playing through the bottom of the steel door.   
(insert any Barry White song..."Aww, baby...)   
"BARRY WHITE?! The horny, fat black singer?! Now they're gonna deflower each other for sure!!! "Togepi, what are we gonna do know?!" 

**Next Episode: ** The final chapter of the Jiminem Saga!!! Will Jigglypuff defeat Barney?! Will Sailor Moon and Brock defeat Rini and Allen?! Will Sextoshi-Ash and Misty "get it on"?! Will Jessie and James's reunion be as sappy as you expect it to be?! And what the hell ever happened to Giovanni and Britney Spears II?! Find out in the shocking series finale of Jiminem!!! 


	6. Return of the Britney

jmn6.html **Author's Note:** Huge apologies for not updating this one for so long, but it's the last installment of Jiminem and I wasn't quite sure how to end it. There's been quite a number of requests to continue this series, so I am, but one last time and that's it. I'm working on yet another stupid short story spoofing that sucky ass movie "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon". Anyhoo, IT'S TIME FOR THE WARNINGS!!! More gratuitous sexual innuendo with Ash and Misty, James-bashing, Crouching Tiger-bashing, the truth about Pikachu's sex, wanton physical assault on a gay, purple dinosaur, explorations of horse fart, a 'brief' glimpse of Misty's prized underwear, and the gay deflowering of Allen Schezar and even more disturbing things dead ahead!!!****

**JIMINEM**

**EPISODE VI: RETURN OF THE BRITNEY**

Jessie growled like a maniac, "Togepi!!! Do something!!!"   
Togepi thought for a moment and remembered it was small enough to crawl through the ventilation system.   
He quickly poke-squealed, "Jessie, pull off the screen so I can crawl in!!!"   
"Good idea!!!"   
Togepi crawled into the vent and made his way towards the weird sex music. Sextoshi-Ash and Misty danced continuously, while a horny Ash unfastened her suspenders and a tipsy Misty passed him the bottle of wine juice cooler. Since Misty never had an alcoholic beverage in her life, even the smallest amount of alcohol was starting to have major effects. Jessie listened while they fumbled around with the wine bottle... 

"Try some of my juice, Ashy...hic!"   
"Is it tasty?!"   
"wuhh...I've got the tastiest juice in town..."   
"Okay, let me pop it open..."   
"Be gentle, Ashy...*hic*, it's the first time it's been popped!!! Tee-hee!!!"   
POP!!!...   
"How is it?"   
"Really sour and ripe...*hic* what's its age?!"   
"Fourteen and still fresh...mmm....uhhh....Ash!!! Don't spill it all over the bed!!!"   
"Oops!!! It slipped off my hands, Mist. It's pretty slippery...   
"...*hiccup* well squeeze it tight and push your mouth into it!! And don't try sticking your finger in the hole!!! Use your mouth and suck it up!!!" 

Jessie's jaw DROPPED, FACEFAULTED, TURNED BLUE, and YELLED like a maniac, "DAMMIT, OUR SHOW'S DEFINITELY GONNA GET CANCELED, THE WORLD'S ABOUT TO COME TO AN END AT THE HANDS OF A GAY PURPLE DINOSAUR, AND I'LL DIE A VIRGIN, BUT MISTY WON'T!!! IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!! WHERE THE HECK IS JAMES???!!!"   
A voice came out from behind her, "You rang, Jess?!"   
"Huh? James?!"   
Another voice came out, "That's right!!!"   
"Meowth?!"   
James pulled out a rose and struck his pose, "Prepare for...*BANG!!!*...TrOubLe?! Ooh..."   
Jessie smacked him on the head, "HOW DARE YOU LEAVE WITHOUT TELLING ME?! DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENED SINCE YOU LEFT?!"   
James girlishly squealed, as always, "The end of the world?!"   
"EXACTLY!!! NOT ONLY THAT, BUT THE TWERPS ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS DOOR ABOUT TO DO SOMETHING ONLY WE ADULTS SHOULD BE DOING!!!"   
"Umm, crossdressing?!"   
Jessie's head grew large and flames flew out of her mouth, "NO, YOU BIRDBRAIN!!! "S-E-X"....SEX!!!"   
James nonchalantly groaned and put his hand up to his chin, "Well I'm not surprised. Those two do like to share the same bed..."   
"YOU IDIOTS!!! DON'T JUST STAND THERE!!! HELP ME GET THIS DOOR OPEN OR WE'LL BE OUT OF A JOB AND MAY HAVE TO FIND A NEW ANIME TO STAR ON!!! WE HAVE TO STOP THEM OR THE CIA WILL ARREST THE AUTHOR FOR WRITING FANFIC KIDDIE PORN, AND MAYBE EVEN WORSE!!!"   
Meowth murmured, "What could be worse?!"   
"NAMBLA!!!"   
Everyone yelled, "CHARGE!!!" 

Brock and Allen locked weapons, glaring at each other while Sailor Mars dodged Pegasus's atomic farts. MiniMoon was riding on top of Pegasus and jamming Mexican beans down his throat for maximum fart power.   
Pegasus neighed, "AWW, WILBUR!!! DON'CHA HATE IT WHEN PIGS FART DURING ANAL??!!!" PPPHHHHHFFFFRRRRTTTT.....   
Sailor Mars yelled too late, "Brock, don't sniff in any of that...uh-oh..."   
Brock caught a whiff of Pegasus's fart and the dire side effects started quickly, "wuhh...GRRR!!! You know somethin' brother?! WHAT'CHA GONNA DO WHEN BROCK SLOGAN AND ALL THE BROCKOMANIACS RUN WILD ON YOU???!!!"   
"Dear Jesus, his intelligence has been reduced to that of a younger Hulk Hogan..." Sailor Mars sighed.   
MiniMoon yelled, "Allen, don't take in any of Pegasus's fart!!! It has the ability to warp personalities!!!" but only too late.   
Allen caught a whiff of Pegasus's fart and, "GRRRR!!!! I PITY DA' FOO'!!! WHERE'S MY GOLD CHAINS?! DID PRINCE VAN RIP 'EM OFF?! I ONLY GOT ONE PREDICTION FOR HIM!!! PAIN!!!   
"Mr. T," Sailor Mars groaned, but thought, "Hey!!! If Allen got knocked out of Barney's mind control by Pegasus's fart, then maybe..."   
MiniMoon and Pegasus's attention was caught by a waving Sailor Mars, "Hey Rini, you tiny-titted, repressively horny reject from a Cardcaptors lesbian Christmas special!!! I'm over here!!!"   
"There she is, Pegasus!!! Aim an atomic fart at her now!!!"   
"OKAY, WILBUR!!!"   
"Don't call me 'Wilbur'!!!"   
PPHHHFFFRRRTTTTT...   
Just as the fart's smell was about to reach Sailor Mars, she quickly counterattacked, "MARS STAR POWER!!!"   
The flame ignited the fart, sending everyone back and flooding the local area with the scatty aroma of horse fart. Everyones' personality was warped, but nonetheless, all of Barney's minions reverted back to normal. 

Sextoshi-Ash finally got a hold of the slippery wine cooler bottle and chugged some down. All of a sudden, his supernatural powers came back and with the strength of a horny Tauros, ripped off the chastity belt.   
Misty drunkenly rejoiced, "It's off!!! Now we can...get it on..."   
Sextoshi-Ash flexed his muscles and smirked, "Let me show you how I handle my 'pokeballs'..."   
But, just as the possessed Ash was unzipping Misty's shorts, Togepi busted through the vent shaft, right square in between Ash and Misty.   
Misty blushed and Sextoshi-Ash shivered in fear while they both yelled, "TOGEPI!!!"   
Jessie heard them yell and thought to herself, "Yelling out Togepi's name during sex?! That's sick!!!"   
"We can't do this. Not in front of Togepi..." Misty frowned, but noticed Sextoshi-Ash was frightened for some reason, "What's wrong, Ash?! Why are you acting scared?!"   
Sextoshi-Ash cried in fear, "NO!!! IT IS CROUCHING TOGEPI, DISCIPLE OF HIDDEN PIKACHU!!!"   
Togepi started glowing, struck kung-fu poses, and pokespoke, "I am Crouching Togepi, disciple of Pi Chu Bai, bearer of the sword Green Crescent, who resides in Chu Dan Mountain. I was trained in the art of "Egg Fu Yung" for the purpose of defending semi-pubescent redheaded maidens from sex-crazed deities. Release Ash from possession or face my yolky wrath!!!"   
(A/N The movie "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" sucked in my opinion BTW, and since I didn't get a refund for watching that piece of crap, this is my vengeance...) 

Meanwhile, Jigglypuff and Barney were still hovering in mid-air. Jigglypuff charged up and unleashed its ultimate attack,   
"KA-ME-PUFF-E HHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   
Barney got hit with the full force of the "Kamepuffeha" technique and got disintegrated.   
"TAKE 'DAT YOO POORPLE PEESE OF TYRANITAUR CRAPP!! HAAAA!!!!.......EH?!"   
Jigglypuff noticed that little by little, a small purple blob started growing and growing, until it became a recognizable form. Barney had reconstructed himself.   
"SONUVABEETCH!!! BARNEEY EES UNHOLY!!!"   
"UH-HOHO!!! NOTHING CAN STOP ME AND...DON'T FORGET TO WATCH BARNEY ON PBS!!!"   
(A/N Grr...don't plug your gay ass show on my fic...That's it...you're gonna suffer for that one...) 

Misty looked on as Togepi beat the crap out of Sextoshi-Ash, "Go gentle on him, Togepi!!! Ouch, that looked like it hurt."   
Sextoshi groaned, "You fight well, but there is no way you will tear me away from Ash's body!!!"   
All of a sudden and right on cue, Team Rocket busted in through the steel door (don't ask me how they did it) and quickly covered their hands with their eyes.   
"Okay now...put your clothes back on and come back to the studio with us. KidsWB need never know about your raunchy sexual escapades!!!" Jessie giggled nervously.   
Misty gushed, "You retards!!! Nothing happened!!!"   
James questioned, "Nothing?!"   
"Yes, nothing!!!"   
"Gee, you two have a lot of restraint!!!"James blurted out.   
"Why you?!!!" Misty growled, pouncing right on James's back and unleashing her sexual frustrations by pounding mercilessly on his head.   
Pikachu ran in and pokespoke, "Is Ash okay?! Is Misty pregnant?!"   
"Sextoshi is not letting Ash go!!! Do something, Hidden Pikachu!!!"   
Pikachu scratched his head, "Hidden Pikachu?! Oh yeah, that's my cue! *clears throat* There is only one way of getting rid of sex deities, Crouching Togepi!!!"   
"And what is that, master?!"   
"I call it the "Hanging Onix" technique, perfected by the Chu Dan for thousands of years. It must only be used only in the direst of circumstances!!!" Pikachu struck a fighting stance before the possessed Ash as Misty, Togepi, and Team Rocket looked on and witnessed, and later would come to regret witnessing...the "Hanging Onix" technique. In a quick movement faster than a humping Sneasel, Pikachu lifted the fur around his crotch and... 

Everyone one of our heroes jaws dropped to the ground as Pikachu unleashed his lunchbox of love before their eyes.   
Misty turned white(whiter than usual), "PIKACHU'S A...BOY!!!"   
Togepi's eyes grew wide, "Now I know why he calls himself "hidden" Pikachu..."   
Meowth stared, "Why do I feel so sexually inadequate right now?!"   
James tried to keep himself from fainting, "It's longer than his tail!!!"   
Jessie sweatdropped, "Our contract with KidsWB is doomed!!!"   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Sextoshi screeched, unable to contain the shock, the sheer horror of viewing pokegenitals. Pikachu completed his final technique, and the spirit of Sextoshi died, and little by little, Ash started coming back, "Whoa, wuhh....what happened?! Misty?! Pikachu?!"   
"Ash, you're back!!! *hic*...oops, still a little drunk," Misty yelled as she ran to him and gave him a huge hug.   
"Gee, Misty. I didn't know you wore Psyduck-print panties," noticing her shorts were still unzipped.   
Misty blushed violently, zipped her fly, and noogied the hell out of Ash, "GRR!!! Why must you say the most inappropriate things during our most heartfelt moments???!!!"   
"Don't wear that thing on our honeymoon. A picture of Psyduck on your crotch'll turn me off," Ash groaned.   
"WE WON'T HAVE A HONEYMOON UNLESS WE STOP BARNEY, ASH!!!"   
"Oh, right!!!" 

Our heroes ran out of the Millenium Puffer, looking for their friends and Barney. Sailor Mars and Brock finally came back to their senses and also joined our heroes.   
"Brock!!! You're back!!!" Ash exclaimed,"Umm, why are you and Sailor Mars holding hands?"   
"SHE JUST AGREED TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND!!! Either that or Pegasus's fart warped her mind temporarily, but Minimoon, Pegasus and Allen Sh!@zar are out of commisssion at least."   
Sailor Mars continued, "The explosion of Pegasus's fart sent all three of 'em flying somewhere..."   
Ash blurted, "Umm, where'd they go?!" 

**Elsewhere, on a Hollywood set...**   
(sung to the theme of "Mr. Ed")   
A horse is horse, of course of course   
Unless he has wings on his back, of course   
That is of course, unless the horse   
Is the horny Mr. "Peg"!!!   
"AWW, WILBUR!!! CLOSE THE BARN DOOR!!! I'M GETTIN' FELLATIO FROM THE CHICKENS!!!" 

**In a recording studio nearby...**   
A producer yells out, "Yo, Destiny's Child!!! You're about to have an 18th member. I've just discovered her!!! Meet Rini, Sailor MiniMoon!!!"   
Rini yells out, "WHERE'S AARON CARTER!!! I WANNA PINCH HIS BUTT UNTIL IT'S STRAWBERRY RED!!!"   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

**And finally in a porn studio nearby...**   
"OH...FRANK!!!!"   
"OH...GILBERTO!!!"   
"CUT!!!" the porn director yelled, "I'm just not feeling it!!! If this continues, I'll lose the gay porn market!!! Dammit, you guys suck!!! Good homosexual talent just doesn't fall from the sky!!!"   
In that very instant, Allen came crashing through the roof of the porn studio, falling right in between Frank and Gilberto.   
Allen clutches his head disoriented, "Where am I?!"   
The porn director held his hands in prayer, "THANK YOU GOD!!! He looks like he could very well revolutionize the art of gay porn!!! FRANK!!! GILBERTO!!! Make love to him in the buttocks on the double!!!"   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

**Back in Tokyo...**   
Misty thoughtfully placed her hand on her chin, "I have a strange feeling those three are being subjected to unimaginable punishments as we speak. Oh well. Ash!!! We have to defeat Barney!!!"   
Ash spotted Jigglypuff and Barney fighting in the air and called out, "Jigglypuff, throw his purple butt down here!!! I've got a plan!!!"   
"ALRIGHT, ZE ASH!!!" Jigglypuff yelled, "SUPER PUFFERPUNCH ATTACK!!!"   
BANG!!!   
Barney hurtled down, crashing right in front of our heroes. Ash yelled,"Okay, everyone!!! JUMP 'IM!!!" 

...*bang!!!*...OUCH!!!...*swoop!!!*....UH-HOHO!!!...*pow!!!*....*swoosh-ping*....AAAHHH!!!... "Misty, kick Barney in the balls!!!" "Right, Ash!!!"...*ping!!!*...**UH-HOOHOOOO!!!@^@!!!**...*flip-bamm!!!*...HOO!!!...*baff*   
...AAHH!!!... "Where'd you get that gun, James?!" "I found it in Puff Daddy's car!!! I wonder if it's loaded..." "Well, find out!!!"...*_bang!!!bang!!!bang!!!bang!!!bang!!!bang!!!click,click_*...**UH-HOHOOO-OUCH!!!**... "It's loaded, but Barney's still alive. Meowth, punch him in the nose!!!"...*pow!!!*...**OUCHIE!!!**...*bang-pow!!!*...YIEEE!!!!...*crack-bamm!!!*...JUDY!!!!..."Hidden Pikachu!!!, do the 'hanging Onix' technique!!!" (everyone who knows about it yells, "NO!!!")...*poww!!!*...OOOHH!!!... "I VANT A PEESE OF HEEM!!! DIS BE VENGENCE FOR ME MIKE!!!"...*crack-pow-bamm!!!*...**YOOOOWWWTCHH!!!**..."Smack him with your   
pimp cane, Brocky!!!" "Yes, Sailor Mars, my love!!!"...*swoosh-ping!!!*...**UH-HOHOHOOOAAAA**aaaaaahhhh...   
......*thud* (drops to the ground) 

Ash, Brock, Misty, Sailor Mars, Jessie, James, Meowth, Pikachu, Togepi, and Jigglypuff were huffing and puffing while Barney twitched in death. But oddly enough, they quickly took notice of Barney's head falling off, slowly revealing someone inside Barney's body. He was a white male, with short blonde hair which looked bleached.   
Everyone yelled simultaneously, "IT'S EMINEM!!!"   
"In a Barney suit?!" Ash asked surprisedly.   
"You mean we've been fighting Eminem in a Barney suit all this time?!" Misty groaned.   
Jessie groaned, "It does kind of make sense. In the last fic, the Backstreet Boys did get killed by Jigglypuff."   
James chimed in, "So it's only fitting Eminem gets killed in this one..." 

All of a sudden, an alien spaceship flew down in front of our heroes and the dead Eminem. A small band of Barneys came out of the spaceship and all took off their heads, revealing faces that looked exactly like Eminem. They quickly picked up the dead Eminem and threw him in the spaceship.   
The leader of the Eminems came up to Ash and spoke, "I am Faik-As-Gangsta, king of the Barney-worshipping Eminem race from the planet Cornyassripoff. You and your friends have defeated our champion. You are truly a hunter and thus you shall receive a reward for your cunning..." He handed Ash a purple pokeball, "Farewell, and from this day forward, no more Eminems will inhabit Earth."   
Misty looked on as the spaceship left the stratosphere, "So that's where Eminem came from, but I didn't get what just happened."   
Jessie nudged Misty, "Umm, I think the author just spoofed the movie 'Predator' using Eminem,"   
"Oh, well, I guess that's it then. Happy ending, right Ash?"   
"Right!!!" 

"STOP RIGHT THERE!!!" Gary busted in out of nowhere, "Ash!!! I've come to claim your love!!! Come to my bedroom and let us satisfy our inner homosexual yearnings!!!"   
Ash scratched his head,"Well this is an unexpected twist in plot. I'M NOT GAY!!!. If you want love, go bother Tracey. As you can see, I'm quite happy with my hot slice o' Cerulean bootie right here."   
"Oh, Ashy..." Misty blushed.   
"Not so fast!!!" a strange voice came from across the field, accompanied by a mob of mostly girls, with dudes hugging each other holding up rainbow flags.   
"Umm. who're you guys?" Ash said, scratching his head.   
A fat chick spoke up, "We are from Palletshippers Worldwide!!! We are dedicated to promoting the eventual loving relationship between Ash and Gary of Pokemon. The author of this fanfic has dared to cross us and now we will sabotage the obvious bias this fic has against palletshippers and all homosexuals."   
Misty yelled, "YOU DORKS!!! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL ASH AND GARY ARE EVER GONNA PLAY 'JAM THE DIGLETT"? WHAT DISTURBED CORNER OF THE UNIVERSE DO YOU WEIRDOS COME FROM ANYWAY???!!!"   
"Umm...San Francisco," a palletshipper murmured, "and certain parts of Ohio!!!"   
All our heroes facefaulted while Ash groaned, "Well that figures..." 

"HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!" another voice came from across the wreckage.   
"What now...?" Ash groaned, "Giovanni?!"   
"And...Britney Spears?!" Misty scowled, "Aren't you supposed to be dead?!"   
Britney cackled, "Heh-heh!!! I've been reborn through the miracle of Team Rocket's project Xerox and the milky, nutritious fake tits of Giovanni, and the...huh?!"   
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!" our heroes laughed while rolling on the ground.   
"Don't laugh!!!" Giovanni growled, "It's perfectly natural for a man to yearn for the intimacy of breastfeeding...eh?!"   
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!" even the palletshippers were laughing.   
Ash scratched his head, "Look everyone. Me and the gang are pretty tired after narrowly defeating Eminem in a Barney suit and saving the world. I really wanna go home and maybe buy Misty new underwear."   
"ASH!!!" 

The palletshipper leader yelled out, " NOT SO FAST!!! We're the ones who unleashed Barney upon the world!!! And we're the ones who commissioned Giovanni to clone Britney Spears using the tissue sample we recovered after Jigglypuff killed her in the last fic!!! Not only that, we're also the ones who convinced Gary he was gay by subliminally embedding homosexual messages in his Kenny G CDs!!!"   
Misty kept herself from giggling, "I don't know what's funnier, the fact that Giovanni breastfed Britney Spears, or the fact that Gary listens to Kenny G!!!"   
Ash yelled out, "Well, there's no way I'm gettin' gay with Gary, so scram!!!"   
"i figure you'd say that, so we planned for that," the leader said while pulling out a raygun, "This is the gayray, a prototypical raygun developed by Team Rocket, Co. I believe James has experienced it to some degree."   
Jessie looked at James, "It's true Jess!!! I was forcibly experimented on, but fortunately they could only get me to crossdress!!!"   
"So that explains it" Jessie thought, "But you like girls, right!!!"   
"OF COURSE I DO!!! I THINK ABOUT TOUCHING YOUR BOOBS ALL THE TIME!!!"   
Jessie gleamed, "OH JAMES!!! THAT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING YOU'VE SAID TO ME!!!"   
"ASH!!!" the palletshipper yelled as she aimed at Ash, "Savor your last moments of heterosexuality!!! Feel the power of the gayray!!!"   
FFFFFWWWWWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGG!!!!!!!   
In slow motion, a shockwave of rainbow-colored waves beamed towards Ash.   
"AAAAASSSSSHHHH!!!!!.....NNNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Misty yelled as she ran up and pushed Ash out of the way. He fell sideways, but Misty soon found herself bombarded by the waves of the gayray.   
Britney got pissed off and tried to take away the gayray from the palletshipper, "SSSTTTOPPP!!! IIII WWAANT RRREVVVEENNGGEE OONN HHEERRRR!!!" She finally got hold of the gun, but quickly noticed it was malfunctioning. Both Misty and Britney were being affected by the rays, until the gun blew up in Britney's hand, blowing her into little bits.   
KABOOOOOOOOOOM!!!...drip...drip... 

"EHHH, FATALITEE?! HAAAAA!!!" Jigglypuff laughed at Britney not dying once, but twice.   
"MISTY!!! Are you okay?!" Ash yelled trying to run to her, but getting held by Gary, "Hey, Gary!!! Get offa me!"   
"Aww, look everyone!!! They're in love!!!" the palletshippers awed.   
Giovanni quickly kidnapped an unconscious Misty and sped back to his chopper, "HAHAHAHAHA!!! That's what you get for making fun of my mammary desires!!!"   
"MIIIIISSSSSTTTYYYYY!!!!!" 

And so our heroes headed in the Millenium Puffer back to Pallet Town after prying Gary off from Ash, and after Jigglypuff, Pikachu, and Togepi killed the palletshipper club for fun. Ash sat in his living room worried about where Misty was. Brock and Sailor Mars, and Jessie and James were making out on a nearby sofa, while Meowth, Pikachu, Togepi, and Jigglypuff were playing poker in the kitchen. Mrs. Ketchum was nowhere to be found, but left a note on the fridge saying she'll back from TAE-BOAK® classes around 9 o'clock. Ash had just bought 500 milk cartons and was individually drawing Misty on each one, with a missing child logo pasted above.   
"WHADDYA THINK, GUYS?! THEY ALL LOOK LIKE HER, RIGHT?!"   
Brock mumbled from the side of his mouth, "Umm, no. Maybe you shoulda just called the milk company and sent them a photo."   
James commented, "Bad idea, twerp. That particular drawing looks like Angelina Jolie. Instead of a young redheaded virgin, you might end up with an old brunette slut who's sexually experimented with both sexes, her immediate family, and a drunken hic actor."   
Brock continued, "That other Misty drawing looks like Rosie O'Donnell. You might end up with a fat lesbian propagandist of liberal Democrat bullsh!#. And that one looks like..."   
"ALRIGHT!!! ALRIGHT!!! I GET THE POINT!!! *sigh*...oh well, Mr. Mime, turn on the TV will ya'?"   
Mr. Mime turned on the TV, only to terrify our heroes beyond belief. 

The MTV VJ announced, "And now for the number 1 song in the nation, "Slap Me One More Time" by MISTNEY SPEAROWS!!!   
Everyone in the room went, "WHAAAAAAAAATTTT THEEEEEE HELLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   
The video started with a shot of a high school labeled, "Whore Central High School". Lots of condoms were strewn across the lawn, with men in black thong bikinis and bow ties carrying books to their classes. The bell rings and out of nowhere, the background music starts and a redheaded girl in Catholic school clothing with a brainwashed look on her face jumps out of the room labeled "Doggystyle 101", and starts singing to someone who looked like a pimp.   
(sung terribly and talentlessly to Britney Spears's "Baby One More Time", which is 'terrible and talentless' anyways...) 

Oh pimpy, pimpy   
How was I supposed to know?   
That the money wasn't right here..   
Oh pimpy, pimpy   
I'm your white trash ho   
I know I'm out of sight, yeah   
Show me how to get on my knees   
Tell me baby 'cause I need to know now, oh because 

Chorus:   
My horny clients are chasing me   
I must confess I wear a weave   
When I was born, I didn't have a mind   
Obsessed with dollar signs!!!   
Bitch slap me, pimp one more time!!! 

Oh pimpy, pimpy   
The reason I ho is my parents   
Boy they got me blinded   
Oh greedy pimpy   
There's nothing that I wouldn't do   
My pregnancy unplanned for!!!   
Show me how you want it to be   
Tell me pimpy 'cause I need to ho now, oh because 

Chorus:   
My pimp producers are billing me   
I must confess I have fake teats!!!   
When I was born, I kinda lost my mind   
My mom might do time!!!   
Dad, molest me one more time!!! 

"I'M GONNA KILL 'EM ALL!!!" Ash growled while being held back by his pals while witnessing Misty being held, spun, and twirled in several suggestively sexual positions by these mostly naked, muscular men while the pimp counted his money.   
Brock thought aloud, "That gayray must've implanted part of Britney Spears semi-retarded and horny psychological imprint on Misty's brain!"   
With bad timing as always, Jigglypuff busted into the den, "HEY!!! WE NEED SUM BEER!!! PIKACHU WANTS TO TEACH US THE SECRET ART OF DRUNKEN BOXING!!!"   
"WWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" everyone facefaulted and dropped to the ground.   
Ash sighed, "Here we go again...wuhhh..." 

**THE END******

**CREDITS**

Story and script- The edgeknight   
Special effects- www.underpaidexploitedchinesepeasantswhoarevictimsofglobalizedtradeandagreedycommunistgovernment.com   
Sound- Chansey on Crack Inc.   
Choreography- The Michael Jackson Dance Academy For Cute, Half-Naked Little Boys   
Asskissing- Dreamworks, Inc. (they still needed work...)   
Catering- Anorexic Snorlax Delicacies of Greater California 

**(CLIFFHANGER CLIP- In Ash's backyard with truckloads of military cold war surplus...)******

"Guys!!! Take care of the house while me an' Jigglypuff rescue Misty!!!" Ash yelled, not able to get his friends attention, "Will ya quit making out?!"   
"RIGHT!!!" everyone yelled.   
James sweatdropped, "Ash, don't you think you and Jigglypuff are overdoing it with the weapons?!"   
"FLAMETHROWERR..."   
"check..."   
"QUAD LAUNCHER WEET' NAPALM-LOADED ROCKETS!!! MYY PERSONAL FAVOREET!!!..."   
"check..."   
"MINI-GUNN WIT' TUNGSTEN ALLOY-TEEPED ROUNDS WHICH FIRE 60 ROUNDS PER SECOND, ZE ASH!!!"   
"check..."   
"SMITH AND WESSON MODEL I-003 SPERM-GUIDED PENILE DISMEMBERER..."   
"oh yeah, check!!! I'm using that one for those dudes who were touching Misty..."   
"MODEEFIED KATANA SWORD WIT' ELECTRIC CURRENT JUST EEN CASE THE DISMEMBERER MALFUNCTIONZ..."   
"check...I think that's it Jigglypuff!!! And now that we modified the Millenium Puffer with land and sea roaming capabilities, we should consider renaming it. But for now, let's go kick some pop star boo-tay!!!"   
Brock interrupted, "Waitaminit, Ash!!! Did you even bother to check what was in that purple pokeball the alien Eminem race gave you?"   
"Oh yeah!!! Let's see!!! Pokeball go!!!"   
PING-WERRRRRRRRR!!!!.....   
"...Ney...Barney...Ney-Barn..."   
Ash almost had a heart attack from the sight and said, "OH DEAR GOD NO!!! I'VE CAUGHT...BARNEY???!!! THE REAL BARNEY!!!!!!!!"   
**"WWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"******

**Tune in for the final saga of what I call "The Popstarmon Trilogy"...MISTNEY SPEAROWS!!!**   
**Coming next month...**


End file.
